Addled and Inane

Sometimes all I want's one favorite song

2007-09-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I walk into work, and the boss man tells me I get a jury trial in November/December. Wow. Kind of exciting. It's a silly little charge (we're defending), they type of charge people are amazed actually go to trial. But here ya go, little intern, you're going to lose (no joke, he actually said that), it'll be a great learning experience. Laugh.

In ten minutes I'm going to court to appear on behalf of a firm some 1,000 miles away on a matter of which I know practically nothing. We're not technically representing the client, so I shouldn't have to really advocate, though clearly I will give it a try if pressed. Only problem: the aforementioned me not really knowing what the hell I'm talking about. So, yeah, there's that. Good times.

And of course, the 30-page paper for one class, the law review article as another class, the moot court stuff, regular classes, regular work stuff (including writing CLE materials for the boss man)...I feel kind of busy.

But hey, I'm running a 5k tomorrow, going to see my favorite band tomorrow night, and spending the whole weekend with my girl, including mimosas, omelettes, and NFL on Sunday. Should be a freaking blast.

Anyone else doing anything fun this weekend?

- ~ -

edit to add: freakin' Commissioner asked me tons of questions! Frick! I really wasn't kidding when I said I didn't know what I was talking about. But I bs'd my way through it well enough to get the order signed...phew!

one more thing for you and i to do before we shut our eyes

2007-09-18T18:48:00.001-07:00

Wow, has it ever been a long time since I posted! I actually haven't looked to see how long it's been, but I bet it's been a while...

Went to Gotham this weekend - not NYC, but another big city, one we used to call Gotham (in our youth so long ago) due to its horrendous crime rate. In fact, when I was in high school some friends and I were walking around downtown, middle of the day, when across the street we see some cop cars and an ambulance in front of a seedy theater, and laying there was a body, in a body bag. We turned and went the other direction, our youthful, morbid curiosity notwithstanding.

But the city has gotten so much better in those 15 years since. Many college friends live there now, and in my roughly 24 hours there I realized yes, this is a place I would really like to be. Funny, though, how I've become used to a lack of rain - I had gotten so used to it prior to law school town, but now I frigging hate it. Oh well - I can get used to it again.

I was down there for a job interview, which was kind of weird. It wasn't weird that I had an interview - the interview itself was somewhat strange. First things first - this job is a little over my head, qualifications-wise-speaking. They said they were looking for top 10 or 15% - I'm top 40%. Hm. I admit I have pretty good peripherals, but that usually doesn't get you an interview at the big firms ($100k+ to start. Fuck yeah!).

I think I know why I did get the interview - an old family friend used to work there, and I dropped his name in the cover letter (with his permission, of course). But who cares, right? I got a foot in the door, and was able to sit before someone who could either recommend me or send me back without a hope in the world. WHo knows what this person actually did.

The interview itself was a lot of me talking about myself - mostly my past, my ten or so years between undergrad and law school - and then him talking about the firm for a little bit. There were no traditional interview questions, no "why do you want this job? where do you see yourself in 10 years?" etc., which I guess is fine, though I wish I had had the opportunity to sell myself a little bit. Oh well. I thought it went well otherwise.

- ~ -

The weekend previous I had gone to a lake up north with a couple classmates. It was gorgeous, sunny, but not terribly hot; there was a lot of drinking and eating with strangers, who became friends - this was perhaps my favorite part, actually. Meeting new people, being friendly, then when your time is through being genuinely sad that you or they are leaving. It was the same way with the other strangers I met this summer - all great people that were really fun to hang with, who became friends, in a way, in a very short time.

Every time I go somewhere sunny, it seems, I get a sunburn. Hawaii, Utah, SoCal, every frigging time (Phoenix last year I didn't. It was too hot to go outside. Don't ask me why I visit hot places in the summer...). Last weekend was no exception. We had been drinking pretty much since we awoke - mimosas and bloody marys - yum. So, about midafternoon, I thought it would be nice to just sit out in the sun for a bit. Well, silly me, I fell asleep in the sun. It was a nice nap, but the next day I realized my foolishness with a nice burn.

What I didn't realize, until a few days later when my burn turned into a nice tan, was that when I had been sleeping I apparently had my hand on my belly, possibly slightly tucked into the waistband of my swim trunks. So, about Thursday of last week I was walking from the shower to my bedroom (calm down, ladies), and noticed in my mirror an unmistakable handprint tanned into my belly. So hilarious. I've been showing people, even, it's so funny.

- ~ -

So, things are going exceedingly well with the girl. Exceedingly well. I'm not sure how comfortable I am talking about it here, because of all the drama. Too bad, too, cause this blog seems to garner the most interest when I talk emotional stuff (and I have some of that to spew, too.). Maybe I'll just say fuck it - or maybe not. Stay tuned!

Spoke with CPP today via e-mail. She seems to be doing well, which is good. Haven't spoken with EG in weeks, which is actually good too. I need a break from her.

- ~ -

Well, friends, I'm off again. Toodles.

When the devil came, he was not red

2007-09-05T14:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I received another warning from a friend about this here blog. Don't write about her, he says, 'cause everybody knows about it. I told him I received a similar warning earlier, and am taking it under advisement. I spoke to a friend about this last night, who told me I should just password-protect it so I could keep it juicy...

Honestly, I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt - but then I don't think I will ever write anything here that I wouldn't just tell anyone anyway, you know? Of course, I want to keep this juicy - I like the freedom to write what I want, and it's been this way all summer. And now, knowing that everyone knows about it, and apparently reads it, that freedom is abridged, which is a bit of a bummer.

I can't deny, though, that I like knowing a lot of people read this, it's kind of an ego boost, in a way (as if my ego needed boosting). So that's the other option: to keep things as they are; let anyone who hears about it to read it; probably tone down the talk a bit, especially about the girl; and pretend that I don't know all the people who read it know who I am, and that I know they know I know, etc.

The problem with option 1 is that I'm not going to invite somebody who feels they should be invited. There is someone out there, reading this right now, who thinks they should be included in this, and they're not going to be. Such decisions are no fun, nor is the fallout that will follow.

The problem with option 2 has already been mentioned - this will become a little boring. Probably a lot more law school talk and less personal stuff. And the latter is really what this blog has become, especially since the dawn of the summer of AddledTM starting with CPP.

There may be a third option, a sort of addendum to option 2 - just tell the girl about the blog and let the pieces fall where they may. I would still likely tone it down, but maybe not as much, knowing she reads, or is at least aware of it. I wonder if she would read it? I've been pretty open with her, forthright about feelings and opinions and such (this is part of the reason we're getting along so well - the ease of such communications), so maybe blogging about it wouldn't be that much of a change for her, or between us.

What's the verdict? I need your opinions. Funny, too, because you anonymous readers aren't going to give your opinions, are you (I don't mean the anonymous readers I know about, who regularly comment, of course)? And you anonymous readers will be the ones left out in the cold if I privatize this blog. But for the rest of you, let me know your opinions.

ETA: told the girl about the blog last night. Phrased it as a sort of a confession, and she was actually taken aback by it, a bit. I offered to give her the site address, but she said "no, I'll choose blissful ignorance." That was kind of odd, no? Wouldn't you want to read this if I confessed it to you? I would. Anyway, there it is.

the beautiful ones always smash the picture

2007-08-31T09:46:00.000-07:00

Well, this is me attempting to post about something other than girls, how much I like this one particular girl, and telling you about all the awesome times we're having so far. Shit, I think I just failed...

- ~ -

It has come to my attention that many, many people are now reading this blog, much to my surprise. I think it's kind of funny, too, that barely anyone talks to me about it, much less comments - and even those who do are often anonymous. As for said anonymous comments, I would frankly rather have those than none at all; and you do a good job of masking yourselves (sometimes).

I think the Sister was right when she warned me a couple months ago about saying too much on this here blog - I, of course, said "I'm not too worried about it," hubristically - that being said, though, I am not ashamed nor embarrassed about anything I've posted here. It's been my honest expression of what would otherwise likely have been solely internal rumblings, and a much needed one. The fact that people I didn't intend to read the blog are now reading it at first gave me pause; I hoped I hadn't said something I would regret upon an exploration of the archives, and though there's probably one instance of this, I will not go back and delete any posts due to such a fear (okay, that was a lie; I actually did delete one post, but not for that specific reason).

I would like to make clear that it's okay if you told someone about this blog, if you shared a link or something. I never intentionally kept this a secret - though when I shared it with a few friends early on, I believe I indicated it was semi-private. I'm not mad, I think is what I'm trying to say, if any of you were worried.

That being said, however, I'm not ready yet to share this with the world; I'm not ready to recognize to anyone and everyone that I am indeed Addled of Addled and Inane, and just be all out in the open with it. I have really enjoyed the intimate nature of this blog, over the summer, especially, through the CPP saga and such. It's been really nice knowing I'm writing for a select few, scattered across the country, and local. Now that I know so many other people are reading, will my thoughts change, or my expressions, anyway? I sort of hope not. Maybe we should all pretend it's still just those precious few who are special enough to be let in on my deep, and not-so-deep thoughts.

I suppose the one thing I would worry about is girl-of-the-present reading this, though, again, I've said nothing to embarrass myself or endanger what's between us. Right? Haven't I said only positive things? Nevertheless, it might prove awkward were she to stumble upon the blog and read all my musings. For all I know, though, she's already an avid reader. A good friend said two incredibly wise things last night, and the relevant one here is this: "There are no secrets in law school." Damn, so true.

- ~ -

The other wise thing he said I want to recount here real quick, simply due to its intrinsic worth. I'd never heard such a simple, yet brilliant explanation for a quirk of the human condition.

I was explaining the circumstances of the girl asking me out - the short version is that she was told to stay the fuck away from me from two independent sources - and we began discussing the phenomenon of girls being attracted to assholes. This is just a truism, and anyone who is past puberty for any significant amount of time will recognize it.

Me, of course, being a life-long "nice guy", has always been confused, and frankly, upset at this. I've never understood it, and when I expressed such befuddlement to the wise one, saying, "I have never understood this. Why are women like that?" He looked at me and said, simply, "Because they're as stupid as we are." Brilliant.

- ~ -

So, I thought I would be immune to the third-year apathy. I was looking forward to school, and not just to see all my friends, but to get back into the routine of classes, learning, interacting with professors. But, uh, I am not enjoying this shit. Point in fact - I'm skipping a class right now, a class I promised someone I'd take notes for them in.

There is one class I am really enjoying, one in my chosen future field, so that makes some sense. It's a tiny class, too, so there's lots of discussion, which I enjoy. Hell, I'm a talker, and in that class I may be considered a Gunner. That's okay, I'm allowed. Why? I don't know.

But the rest of my classes? Suckfest. Boring. Barely doing the reading, surfing the internet for most of the hour +. What's the remedy? I don't know. I do need to get motivated for the paper I'll be writing, for that is going to be a lot of work. I think once I get going it should be good, though; I have a habit of being a slow starter, but once my momentum gets going I'm usually pretty studious.

- ~ -

Well, I think that's enough for now. Have a fantabulous Labor Day weekend, everyone!

it's my birthday too, yeah

2007-08-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I am yet another year older, just as happy as I was a year ago, though probably happier. Things seem to be going well for me lately, and I'm trying to enjoy it and not wait for the other shoe to drop. That seems to be counterintuitive, and wouldn't let me enjoy the gifts given me. (that sounded cheesy, but I mean it.)

Saturday night my friends surprised me at one bar, then a bunch more surprised me at another bar. What a great night - I think I described it to a nonattendee as such: "I drank, smoked, talked, enjoyed being friends with my friends. Pretty well perfect." I think that's a good description, actually. I didn't need a whole lot of excitement, sky diving or hot air balloons - just my friends. And that I got, in spades.

Things continue to go well with the girl. Surprisingly so, actually. I described it, I think directly to her, as being rather blindsided. Where the hell did this come from? One second she asks me out, the next we're going out, and now all of a sudden we seem to be really into each other. Of course, I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, jump in too fast, or, as a friend puts it, "frontloading." It's tough, as it always has been for me - though at the same time we're never at school together, so that helps. The vast majority of our getting to know each other time has taken place via e-mail and text message (god bless her, she respects the fact that I hate talking on the phone).

The most confusing thing has been why I don't seem to feel the same as I had after CPP - I'm sure you all remember, I felt like playing the field, like being nobody's boyfriend. But now I'm wonderng if I just felt like that towards EG - sorry, EG! Or maybe it would have been anyone with whom I didn't click. Also, she seems to be in the same space that I have been in recently, and now feeling the same as I am now. We just seem to be on the same page, here, so I'm attempting to keep a level head while at the same time wondering how I got so lucky.

Of course, there's still the issue of our mutual friend, with whom I don't think there's been a conversation. And there's other opportunities for disaster and drama, which I won't get into right now...but I'll tell that whole story at some point. I'm just...content right now, with the potential for a lot of happiness.

Hey, this was a short post! How do you like that.

spend your time asking everyone's permission, then runaway and hide

2007-08-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

Well, interesting things have been transpiring, to say the least, as the Summer of AddledTM segues into the Autumn of AddledTM - not the least of which is the fact that school has started. Only been to four classes so far, but I think they'll be good. Haven't yet started the writing of the law review article, which I'm sure will be kicking my ass forthwith.

But this is no academic blog, is it? You don't come here to hear about my reading or worries about preparedness for class, do you? No, you come here for the juicy details of my personal/social life. So here's some more.

Notwithstanding that there's a bit more to the tale of EG, I went out for drinks last night with a girl. I'd admired this girl (for whom we may possibly have to choose a moniker, stay tuned) from afar nearly all of last year. She's a year behind me in school, and quite the head-turner. But I never had the nerve to ask her out or anything, so I let it go. Also, last year she thought I was engaged, for some odd reason, but that's neither here nor there.

Now, this girl knew EG from work a couple years back, which is somewhat interesting. At a party last weekend which both EG and this girl attended, they hugged and chatted, and, apparently, EG told her straightaway not to get involved with me - strange, from my perspective, and hers as well, as there was nothing between us at this time. But EG told her don't get involved, he seems nice but he's really an asshole (yep, there's a little more to that story, I guess). Again, kind of strange.

The other part goes like this: a friend of this girl's is a close friend of mine. We only started talking this past summer, but for some reason we just clicked - as friends. I really really like her a lot, and value her friendship highly. I never felt any sort of spark between us, and I never thought she did either - but I was wrong about that. So very, very wrong, as I was informed by this girl (yeah, she needs a designation - 'this girl' ain't cutting it) last weekend. She's never expressed any sort of romantic feeling for me, and I've expressed to her my interest in any number of women, but never her. Nevertheless, she apparently still harbors these feelings for me, and has told her friends, including this girl, not to go after me, nor flirt with me, or do anything to encourage me.

So, back to that party, and it's in full swing before I get a chance to chat her up a bit. I approach her amongst many groups of people chatting, and we chat, and I admit I'm a little tipsy here, but I probably get a little flirty, as I'm wont to do. In fact, I tell her - honestly, with zero expectation that it would lead to anything - how I've always thought she was so beautiful, just a real knockout. She thanks me, trying be as demure as possible. She then, after a bit more chatting, points out her date who is sitting alone in the corner of the room - but not so far away that he can't see me flirting with her. I laugh, excuse myself, and we go our separate ways.

What I didn't know at the time was her directive from two separate friends to stay the hell away from me. So there we are, chatting, me flirting, her daring not to, for both EG and the other friend are in the room apparently shooting her the death glare. I just have to laugh at this situation, you've gotta admit it's pretty funny.

Next day, I get an e-mail from the girl, more or less saying, hey, nice to see you last night, I wish we could've talked more, there were things I wish I could have said but was restrained, how'd you like to go get a drink sometime? I reply, hell to the yeah. It was in this exchange that I was informed there was a friend of hers who had a crush on me, and that's why she couldn't really say things in mixed company. Okay, I understand. Later that night she told me who it was, and we talked electronically about how damn that sucks, I don't want to risk a friendship over an unrequited crush.

Fast forward to last night. No, wait - let me tell you about my state of mind in between: I was interested in this girl, no doubt, but my head also kept making a list of all the reasons why it would be a terrible idea for us to date, not the least of which is the age difference - nearly ten years. Ten frigging years - I'm sure at least a couple of you are shaking your heads right now, thinking, yes, Addled, ten years is too much. She's practically a baby!

Other reasons? My lack of interest in being anyone's boyfriend right now; the EG/other friend situation; that I'm a year ahead of her in school; actually, there were more, but for some reason I can't remember them right now. Why is that, ya think? I think it's because I had such a great time with her last night. I was expecting an immature girl, unwise in the ways of the world, but instead I found a very, very sharp young woman, one who had no problem keeping up with me, and in fact who gave as good as she got. I'm a teaser, I like to poke at people, and she poked right back.

I found out she is basically feeling the same way I am right now - not super interested in a relationship, but maybe open to the possibility. She's been on a few dates with a few different guys lately, guys who, according to her, are all interested in reeling her in. She hasn't been interested in defining what these dates are to her - just hangin', to her, apparently. It was for this reason I had no idea how to classify what it was we were doing, but until the very end of the night, I didn't care too much, I was having such a good time.

But there's always the end of the night, isn't there? She dropped me off at home (hate not having a car), and we talked for a while, until I gathered the nerve t kiss her - wondering if that was on her agenda, or if she was just hangin'. Well, it was on her agenda, thankfully. It was a nice little kiss, or series thereof - nothing too passionate, nor held back. Not the best kiss, either, and though I hesitate to blame her, necessarily, if we end up doing this again, we're going to have to work on her technique.

Final thoughts. I got the feeling she asked me out because she wasn't supposed to - forbidden fruit? That's what it seemed like. Does this bother me? I have to admit, it does a little. Really just a tiny, tiny bit. Am I interested in this girl? Yes. To what extent? I have no idea - I think it's a wait-and-see kind of thing. Also, we may have to fly under the radar if this is going to happen, which both sort of sucks and is kind of enticing - again, forbidden fruit always tastes better than you think. I'm sure there's all sorts of psychological interpretations to be had here, and if anyone is interested in analyzing, please have at it.

Whew! The Autumn of AddledTM is off to a fantastic start.

I'm an ocean, I'm all emotion...I'm a cherry ghost

2007-08-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

So, I think I may not blog about the rest of my trip. Suffice it to say, it was a blast. Most of you got pictures, and if anyone else wants some, leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail and I'll send you the snapfish link.

-~-~-

So, I've been writing this post since the 6th, and I keep losing interest, but I do have a little update on EuroGirl, which is kind of interesting. Actually quite a bit has happened, since I haven't posted in so long (tumbleweeds and crickets noted, girls).

So, where I last left this story, EuroGirl had more or less put an end to things, for the second time. I was fine with this; while I enjoyed what was going on between us (friends with benefits? F-buddy?), I couldn't take the leap to the next step, doing boyfriend type things. So I shrugged it off, tried to think of my next goal.

Fast forward to the next Friday. A lot of us have been doing happy hour around town, and happy hour usually leads to staying out until the bars close. We were at our second place (I'd asked out our waitress from the first place - she said she had a boyfriend) when she shows up - it wasn't uncomfortable or anything, and I was glad about that. We actually had a lot of fun, until she got rip-roaring drunk, which was kind of sad - I've never liked it when girls can't handle their liquor. I was keeping my distance, or at least trying, but she stumbled at me and just laid her mouth right on me - I have to admit, I didn't resist much. I did try to say things like, "We're not allowed to be doing this" and similar things, but to no avail.

I felt a sort of responsibility to her - to get her home, or to get her somewhere safe, cause she was one more drink away from falling down and passing out. Without the requisite cash for a cab and without the will to try to walk her home, I get her to my house. The trip home, in someone else's car, was ridiculous - she kept yelling about how much she wanted/needed pasta. It's got to be around 12:30 or 1am at this point - and I have no pasta in my house. Then I had to practically peel her off the grass in the front yard and get her inside; then she all but passed out in the bathroom.

Anyway, that night, nothing happened - I would never take advantage, and I'm sure all my faithful readers know that about me. The next morning, however, she was left at my house without a ride home (too far to walk); we called a mutual friend who's usually willing to give rides like these. But we hung out all morning - drank coffee, smoked cigarettes, listened to music, played cards, etc. All under the impression that we were no longer "hooking up," if you'll pardon the expression.

Don't ask me how this next part happened - I'm still a little fuzzy on it myself - but we ended up taking a mid-morning nap on my living room floor, without many clothes on. It was kind of hot, I mean temperature-wise, so maybe that's why. In hindsight, I think she was trying to seduce me. It worked.

Cut to after. I think I must've expressed some sort of "wow, we shouldn't have done that" sort of feeling, because the next thing to come out of her mouth was, "well, it's okay, cause I realized that I'm not actually into you, so it's okay if we just do it on occasion." Huh...well, that works for me, right? Isn't that exactly what I wanted? Yes, yes it is.

A little more than a week later, and we got together again to help a mutual friend move. After, he bought us pizza and beer, which turned into more beer, and watching a movie. For what it's worth, for the first time in I don't know how long, I decided to be the responsible one and stop drinking - seeing EG keep drinking made me realize she would need someone to driver her home.

So, we go to my place, and the inevitable happens. It's just our pattern - friends, alcohol, hookup. It's happened many times. The next evening was the same thing - a traditional Tuesday night trivia at a bar; this time, however, we were within walking distance to her house, and that's where we ended up (we didn't have sex that night, though, for reasons which are beyond me; I wonder if she wanted to abstain to lure me in further).

Now, before I go any further, I need to recognize that most, if not all of my readers are female, so perhaps you won't really understand where I'm coming from. Most of the girls friends I've spoken to about this don't necessarily take her side, but they certainly understand her side a lot better.

See, on both of these recent evenings, at some point I mentioned to EG other girls - someone I thought attractive, a girl who'd been flirting mercilessly with me (she was married, and that's not a good idea); the second night I opened up to her about my true feelings for her - how I found it really strange why I didn't like her more than I did, etc., all things I've said here before. Now, in hindsight, this was pretty stupid and insensitive. But remember, I'm coming from her last statements about how she wasn't into me.

But, alas, alack, she was. On Friday last, there were a bunch of us out. I didn't invite her out, for various reasons. But there she was, out! with the rest of us. And I could tell, almost from the beginning, she was pissed. She's not the type of gal who's real fun to be around when she gets this way, let me tell you. I attempted some conversation through the night, but she was having none of it.

We went to the next place, which is the type of place, at least at this time, which was packed - and seemingly with all 21-25 year-olds - not exactly my scene anymore, if it ever was. I squeezed my ass through the crowd to where our group was sitting, said hi to a few people, surveyed how long it would take me to get a drink, and decided retreat was my best option. I wasn't going to have any fun there.

So I left. (not too long a walk home). A couple blocks away and she calls - why didn't you say goodbye? Well, sorry. Goodbye! A few minutes later she calls again, and here's where the crazy started pouring out like a burst dam. Now, I realize she'd been drinking a bit, and though she didn't seem that drunk when I left, this girl does have the ability to go from zero to wasted in the blink of an eye, so I'm willing to believe that alcohol played a big part in her crazy.

Anyway, it all came pouring out - why do you tell me about other girls, why are you cold in the mornings, why didn't you tell me about tonight? It wasn't just all that, she was actually misstating the facts - e.g., don't tell me about girls you go home with (I haven't gone home with anyone but her; if I did, a) I wouldn't tell her about it, and b) I wouldn't sleep with two girls at the same time*). It just went on and on and on - but I was arguing with her too (who's the bigger fool? the fool, or the fool who argues with the fool?), in an apparent effort to try to save some of my own dignity, and to prevent being the bad guy in this whole scene.

We argues and yelled, her, I was assuming in front of the bar, me, walking down the path by the river, passing people every once in a while who probably thought I was crazy or understood exactly what was going on (a couple dudes I passed). It finally got to a point where logic wasn't getting through, and I had to dismiss the conversation. She, and perhaps both of us, needed to stop talking and give it some time. Yeah, I hung up on her, and I really didn't want to, but there was to be no resolution on that phone call.

I was supremely pissed off, which made the walk a little easier. I called some other friends, who'd been with us earlier but peeled off to go to a bar that just happened to be near my house. They were still there, so I decided to go drown my anger a little more. As I approached the place, I looked inside, and upon seeing people, I realized that being around anyone was a really bad idea. I walked home and passed out.

Actually, before passing out, I shot her one last text: "I didn't mean to hurt you; I hope you believe that." I got a return text at some point during the night that said something to the effect of, "what hurt me most was our conversation, and I initiated that." Now just what the fuck did that mean? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure I care. Her little hissy fit/drama spewing was way too over the top for me. I could handle the "I don't want to be the hookup" then hooking up; I'm not interested in "we can be physical without emotional consequences" when it's a lie.

Final thoughts? I hope EG and I can be cool again. I think it'll take some time, though. Her roommate is a good friend, and I hope she's cool to me too; I'm not terribly confident about that one. I've discussed the situation with a few people and for the most part it's been split upon gender lines - the dudes are on my side, and the ladies - even those who don't particularly like EG - understand her position a lot more than mine.

So what do y'all think? Was I an asshole? A heel? A man? That last one was said with a hint of disgust. Which is one of the more starnge things about the EG saga; it's so not who I am, who I've been. Is this me for the rest of my life? For a while? Until I find the next good thing? Huh. I've got a hell of a lot more to say about this, but frankly, it's taken a lot for me to write this, and some nudging from friends, so let me leave it here for a bit, and perhaps later I will provide some more of my thoughts and feelings on the subject.

* well, I would, but - oh, you know what I mean.

We stared at the sun too long

2007-07-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

The vacation to Salt Lake City: Day 1

I wanted to get a few hours in at work before I left, especially as the boss had been absent the day previous; the three of us in the office had put out so much work product that his table, where we leave said work product for his approval, was overflowing. We'd drafted about ten new cases, and I was actually thinking he may have sent me to court that morning, so I dressed appropriately.* But no such luck - I stayed huddled in my office and barely spoke to anyone. I think the boss was a little stressed out at the volume of work that awaited him.

But by 11:15 I was in my friend's car, clothes changed, headed to the airport. On a trip so short I packed meagerly so as to not check any bags - thanks to the bag I "borrowed" from sis** I was able to pack quite a bit in there. So, a couple hours later, and there I was in beautiful Salt Lake City, my friend G waiting for me.

We took care of a little business, switching cars before heading to his house, where he stays with old, old friends (known them since he was like 8 or something - more on this later) before heading back to school. We chit-chatted, I told him the brief stories of CPP and EG, about which he was rather pleased - G is one of my friends who has constantly tried to get me hooked up with someone, so those small tales made him happy. I expressed to him my "Summer of Addled" desires, about which he gave nothing but the most ardent support.

He too was experiencing the Summer of G, probably way more interesting than mine - G is the most active guy I know, or maybe have ever known, and so his summer has been nothing short of extraordinarily hectic. But it sounds like fun.

So, after some short introductions and a bit of water, we headed out in the 95+ degree heat for a run. There's a beautiful park nearby his house, which twice around is three miles. Again, G is in such good shape that I almost hesitated to have him along, but god bless him he allowed me to set the pace, which was likely a third as fast as he is used to. Also, we were chatting the whole time, which is pretty tough for me to keep up, especially after the first mile and a half or so. But I did it - we didn't stop, and walked home. Damn, it was frigging hot there.

We cleaned up, had a couple beers, and I started to meet the crew. The crew is pretty big, and I don't think I met them all; most, say 75% of them, have known one another since elementary school. G later mentioned to me that he didn't think his friends would welcome me very easily, but I think they did - much more on that later as well.

Before heading out to the show(s), we started talking about liquor and shots. I usually ask people if they've ever had an "Italian Valium," which is basically 151 and Amaretto (3 to 1 ratio, respectively); it's a delicious and dangerous shot that is a favorite of a good friend of mine. G's roomie claimed to have both ingredients in the freezer, and pulled them out along with three shot glasses. He poured the 151 first, about 3/4 in each, then poured what he thought was Amaretto in one of the glasses - upon a not-so-close inspection, the milky white substance that sunk immediately to the bottom of the glass it was clear that this wasn't Amaretto. It was, in fact, Irish Creme.

Gross! So very very gross. But having poured one, we made him pour the other two, and we all took it - like men. Imagine if you will the sight of that disgusting sight - clear-ish liquor at the top, milky white at the bottom; this shot, an accidental original, was thus named the partial birth abortion.

You know how roommates and friends have little inside jokes, catch phrases and sayings? Well, theirs, for this period of time, anyway, was a word called phlogiston. If you follow the Wiki link you'll see it's an ancient pseudo-scientific theory of a substance that produces flammability in objects (e.g., wood has it, rocks don't). They'd been pining to create a shot by this name, and it just so happened that they had the remnants of a bottle of Hot Damn!TM brand cinnamon schnapps laying around...so, a bit of vodka, a bit of the Hot Damn!TM, and thus was born the phlogiston. It wasn't that bad, actually.

Okay, so off to the concert. SLC does this every Thursday during the summer - beer vendors, food stands, music, the whole nine. G said they don't usually attend the concert per se, but hang out and chat with friends; sure enough, after obtaining beers and some food we found ourselves a nice little corner where we could stand around. One of G's friends wanted to go watch the show, but no one else seemed interested - at first anyway. We couldn't quite figure out if Yo La Tengo had gone on yet, as we were off to the side a bit. But after a while, we all figured that was them playing while we chatted.

Now, I'm a recent fan of theirs, so I don't know their stuff very well - though upon my return I've listened to almost nothing but, and I highly recommend them to anyone who likes indy rock. But there were a couple tunes I did know, and figuring they would be wrapping up soon I grabbed G's friend, a spunky, pretty little thing and we headed over to the show. So, they were wrapping up a song, and the very next one they play? "Julie Christie, the rumors are true..." Yay! One of the few songs I knew (Tom Courtenay) and was hoping to hear! It was fate. The next song I didn't know, but it blew me right the heck away - about ten minutes of pure awesome. It was their last tune, and the pretty little thing and I headed back to the group.

We went from there to another bar - kind of a weird membership required place, where someone from our group bought a membership so we could hang out, play pool and play songs on the jukebox. We were there for a little while, decided we would catch another show at another bar, and we heard the act was going on at 12ish, so we headed over there (some on bikes, which is a big thing in SLC).

In fact it was another two hours or so before she went on - Alela Diane, a songstress from Portland who was really quite talented, but at 1am, her droning, bare acousticness was enough to put me to sleep. Well, not really. She was quite talented, actually. One of G's friend had a HUGE crush on her and actually bought her a couple beers before the set, and when she finally went on, was the sole fan sitting on a bar stool right in front, gazing up at her loveliness. He was pretty sauced at that point, but on the ride home had the best line of the weekend - "Hey, where do you live?" the driver asked. "HEY! where do you live, man??" He stumbles, moans, and finally groans, "I live on 4th east...and...and Alela Diane."

Phew! I can really fill up these blog posts, can't I? Every day at work I try to be as concise as possible, so maybe this is my outlet for immense verbiage. Anyway, more to come - day 2, possibly with pictures of me and my sunburn, later.

*It's funny to think that starting this past May, I'll likely wear a suit to work every day for the rest of my working life. That is until I get a cushy teaching job somewhere and can wear jeans, polo shirt and a blazer with elbow patches. And a beard, and I'll smoke a pipe.

** can't I just have it?

we tried so hard

2007-07-22T23:08:00.001-07:00

A line from a song by Yo La Tengo, whom I saw Thursday in SLC. Mere hours after hopping off the plane (this modern world is pretty cool). But I wanted to share the EG tale first, in the coming days I'll tell all about my trip and its extreme awesomeness; I may also post some pics, and many of you will be getting invites to view them when I post them on that one site whose name I can't remember.

Okay, so I had to review where we were in this little story. I mentioned the talk we had a week ago, but here's the more fleshed out version:

We'd hung out with a mutual friend, then headed back to her house for more hanging out.
Of course, it was past midnight at this point - there's never an early night with EG - we listened to music and smoked cigarettes and talked for a while, but frankly I really wanted to fool around for a bit and go to sleep. But she wasn't having any of it - and I glimpsed a hint of her misgivings here, and as the night wore on, we talked our way into that discussion - what are we doing, where are we going, etc. It was pretty funny the way she'd put it - I had, at some point earlier in the evening, offered to sleep on the couch if she felt more comfortable - and when she couldn't articulate exactly what she was trying to tell me, she said, "I think I'm saying you need to sleep on the couch tonight." Laugh.

I had to tell her, I had to be honest, I wasn't interested in being anyone's boyfriend right now. I wasn't interested in doing relationship stuff, and I wasn't interested in being exclusive. She, however, was interested in all those things. She wasn't interested in being the hookup, the girl you sleep with when you're both at the same party.

She was right, too, we hadn't yet hung out just the two of us; we'd never been on a date. I told her I didn't want her to feel like that, I didn't want to treat her like that, if that made her feel bad - slutty, or uncared for, whatever. Even as I write this, I feel the faintest pang of guilt about the whole thing, but I'm not sure why. I was never dishonest about anything, she always knew where I stood on the situation. If she had been copacetic with everything (I guess you'd call that friends with benefits? no, probably still the hookup), I doubt there would be any negative feelings here. But I digress.

I told her maybe we should go out on a date - try to change the circumstances of our relationship closer to what she was looking for. She was fairly happy with that solution, or she seemed to be, anyway. I still slept on the couch, though. (again, laugh.)

The next morning we went for coffee, sat in a park and drank it and smoked our cigarettes. We talked around it again for a while, until we concluded that we probably can't force it - that we were coming from two different directions here, that she wanted something I couldn't give. What little hope either of us had held from the previous night's discussion was wiped away that morning.

So, Tuesday night, which I mentioned in a different post, was not entirely unexpected. We both knew we'd be out at the same place, as her roommate's boyfriend was in from out of town. We went our for drinks, and I'm sure everyone here knows what alcohol can do to people...we were pretty good for most of the night, but as time passed, beer was consumed, we kept going outside for cigarettes together, and finally we just couldn't keep our hands off one another. We slept at her house that night.

The next night we arranged to meet again, this time at my house. Very little alcohol was consumed that evening, and the whole thing felt like a date, sort of...we didn't do much date-like stuff, basically just sat around, I showed her my pictures and music, we talked about books. SHe stayed the night and the next day I left for SLC.

So, an awesome four days later, she picks me up at the airport, and when we approach my house I ask if she'd like to come in and hang for a bit, even telling her we can make it an early night if she prefers - what I meant was that I was under no illusion that she should be spending the night, but I'm not sure if that came across as I'd intended. Instead, we talked on the stoop to my place for about ten minutes wherein she told me again, she wasn't interested in continuing as we had been. She was into me, and I wasn't into her - such an arrangement just wasn't fair to her.

I have to say, though she was/is right about that, I have a lot of respect for her for doing what she did. I'm not sure if I would have necessarily lost respect for her had she continued to act as the hookup, but I think it's a hell of a thing for her to, for lack of a better phrase, show that kind of willpower. I'm not sure I would do the same if our roles were reversed.

The weird thing about this whole thing is, the roles usually are reversed - I'm usually the one who likes the girl more than she likes me. I'm usually the one showing more emotional (and sometimes physical) affection towards her. It's quite a strange feeling, really, and perhaps why I am feeling a twinge of guilt about it all. I don't know - but my heart is a little heavier today, for whatever reason.

Of course, the other reason why it hangs heavy today is that I heard from CPP, after sending her a good luck e-mail; she'll be gone in a week. Good news, she found a job; bad news, it's far away and really soon. I have to admit I've been harboring a kernel of hope that I'd get a chance to spend just a little more time with her before she left, and also that I'd see her from time to time on my trips westward. But those two things are dashed now, dashed I tell you.

Ah well - looks like Addled is a clean slate yet again, waiting to be painted in colors bold and bright.

I bargained for salvation and she gave me a lethal dose

2007-07-19T08:03:00.000-07:00

Off to the great state of Utah to see a friend; we're going to hike, run, swim, see a couple of shows (Yo La Tengo, Fiery Furnaces, Built to Spill [!]). Should be a blast.

Broke a 3-year string of abstinence on Tuesday. It was good. Having mixed feelings about the whole thing though, because on Sunday we decided it would be bad for us to continue on as we'd been, as she wanted a relationship and I did not. Is she trying to lure me in with sex? Am I taking advantage of her feelings for me? Who the heck knows. I may have to make a clean break when I get home, or at least have a talk.

Was denied for a loan this morning, so my school year may be downright fucked this year. Not sure how I'll afford school and living expenses.

Life sure is interesting!

Every moment's a little bit later

2007-07-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, where do I begin? I feel like I lived so much since I last posted. It's been determined that this is the summer of Addled, and not a damn thing is going to stand in my way. So, yeah.

We'll start on July 3rd. The weekend previous I had bumped into a friend, a recent graduate who I'd gotten drunk with on graduation day. He gave the student speech at graduation, which was inevitable - those of you that know him know exactly what I mean. So we caught up for a moment outside the law school, and he mentioned he would be going out the night before the 4th, and would I be up for some fun? Hells yeah, I say, not yet realizing this would be the summer of Addled. So, that night itself was a blast, though not much to report on.* It was a bunch of people I sorta knew, who I'd had classes with but never formally met or hung out with. They all knew me, anyway, 'cause I talk a lot in class (though I am not a gunner**).

So adequately hung over, the next day I head over to a friend's for a friendly bbq for the fourth. There were no fireworks, no celebrations of America - in fact, I believe I may have drunkenly proclaimed we should celebrate the signing of the Constitution instead of the Declaration of Independence - yeah, I'm a full-fledged Con Law nerd. Deal.

I knew beforehand CPP would be elsewhere, and that it would be foolish to think we could be together on her only day off the entire term of her bar review (I'm not bitter, I'm not I'm not I'm not); maybe knowing that helped me have a good time, and helped influence decisions I would make later that evening.

There's a lot that's worth saying about that day/night, that maybe some of you would appreciate (including me accusing someone else of being racist in front of their good friend. Whoops!), but let's jump to the juicy bits, okay? Okay! My good friend K was there, and her roommate, whom I'd met a few times before. The Roommate we'll call S, for now, until you come up with, and/or if you determine she's worthy of a nickname - I'm undecided if she's worthy yet.

Back up about 5 weeks to a different function, a friend's fiance's birthday party. This was a damn boring party, I'll just say it. Boring people, nobody very interesting. But K & S were there, so at least I'd have them to talk to (oh, I went there with my old LC partner, whom I love, and is interesting, but she left early, as she often does), and S is a smoker, so that was cool. Actually, cooler than I'd have thought, because we spent most of the latter part of the evening alone together smoking, drinking and talking music. I don't get to talk music with a lot of people, as I am a bit of a music nerd and/or music snob. So, we had a great time. Wait, did I mention yet that this is Euro Girl? Maybe we should call her EG. A neutral enough nickname until her worth is fully adjudicated.***

But when it's time to go, K & S are all about returning to their place for more drinking and revelry. I am unsure. I'm digging on EG, but also a bit sleepy, not interested in drinking more, and most importantly, I have the first date with CPP the next night. A few days later I would think going home early would be a great decision. Now? Who knows. But in the car, when I asked my friend the driver to drop me off at home, EG was noticeably disappointed. I think she had intentions that night.

Okay, so back to the fourth. I was kind of hoping EG would be there. You know, I've been going back and forth on whether or not to share this with y'all - I don't know if what I did was wrong, or bad, or shabby. But it's a story, anyway. So, K was there, and EG eventually showed. It was a long day, filled with plenty of drink, a nice big salmon barbeque'd by me, and a weird but enjoyable game called "slap nuts." I'd have to explain that one with diagrams.

Day turned into night; we wandered down to the edge of a hill to watch the sunset. Many pictures were taken (none will be posted here for obvious reasons), many songs were sung thanks to a really good guitar player with a vast repertoire, much fun was had. The party transferred itself to K & EG's house, ostensibly to watch the fireworks from atop a parking structure. Also, EG had a little baggie of goodness, which I admit was part of my motivation.

Upon entering her bedroom and attempting to roll, at which I have little skill (I know you're all super surprised), EG turns to me and says, "okay let's get this out of the way" and plants a big wet one on me. Surprise! Honestly, I had no intentions nor expectations the night would turn this way. But let's be real, here - I'd been drinking since noon, she was pretty, and was giving me some pretty clear signs of interest. Like, you know, kissing me.

Other stuff happened. People went home, K went to bed. The aforementioned guitar-playing-friend-with-the-vast-repertoire wouldn't fucking go home...Man! Everyone else had left, I was still there, at her house, I think it was pretty damn obvious what was going on, yet there he was on the stoop, playing song after song after song after song. I had to finally excuse myself and go upstairs to try and give him a bit of a hint.

It's about 2 in the morning now, I'm lying on her bed, alone, trying not to pass out. I realize all the sounds have stopped, they actually stopped a bit ago, and I go out into the living room to investigate her whereabouts. Nobody's here, anywhere. WTF, mate? There's a light in the bathroom, but I don't go opening bathroom doors willy nilly - until I see the door's cracked a bit, so I slowly open it, only to find EG sitting on the side of the tub, reading the National Enquirer. Yeah, I know. That's exactly what I was thinking.

I'm exhausted here, see; when I drink, I don't get crazy, I don't get obnoxious (for the most part), I get sleepy. I really just wanted t go to bed. So after asking her what the fuck she was doing, I say something to the effect of, "Come on, come to bed, let's cuddle and fall asleep until I have to go to work in five hours." So we retire to the bedroom, but instead of that awesome plan I just suggested, she wants to roll another doobie and play fucking backgammon. Could she be any more ridiculous??? No. Not possible. Or maybe it's slightly more ridiculous that I went along with it, rolled another doob (a better one this time, practice makes perfect), and we fucking play fucking backgammon. She won, though I didn't let her.

Thankfully, that was the end of the ridiculousness. The rest of the night was filled with...well, mostly just kissing. We didn't do it - not sure if that's important in the scheme of things, but there it is. I was still technically with CPP at this point, though I think we all know it was over, maybe weeks before.

Do I feel guilty about it? Not really. There was no exclusivity agreement. There was very little going on between CPP and I at this point anyway. EG did know about CPP that night also, I believe K forewarned her - I actually tried to explain it to EG, but it was difficult to put into words, and by her own admission EG wasn't really interested in listening to said explanation anyway.

I will be reviewing more of the summer of Addled, which, I hope you'll believe, is in full swing right now. I have to go for a run right now before I help a friend move, and this post is pretty long, so I think I should sign off. But there will be more tales of EG, other random girls, lawyers, a close encounter with a Russian, and lots of fun stuff.

* AC, if you want I can tell you who it was I was out with - if I can remember everyone's names. Interesting group, to say the least.

** read the last definition here on Wiki - hilarious!!

*** fucking legal writing seeps into everything, am I right?

A sleepy kisser

2007-07-09T05:00:00.000-07:00

I had a weird dream and woke up at four this morning. I got up for a few minutes, then went back to bed but couldn't get back to sleep. I pretty well remember it, which is unusual for me, but I don't think I'll retell the whole thing, except for maybe just the beginning: I was at CPP's house, meeting her family. For some reason, someone takes a big painting off a wall, and reveals a smaller painting beneath; it's a portrait of her father, as a young man. He's trimming or grooming his red beard (I have no idea if he's a redhead; doubtful, actually); the face starts to move, and then it becomes a sort of home movie. Soundless, at first, and sepia-toned, like a modern effort at an old-time type of film. Stranger things happened after that which I will keep to myself, but that moment when the painting moved, and we watched their home movies on the wall, otherwise hidden by other art, was an interesting sleepy moment.

- ~ -

The CPP era is now, I suppose officially, over. I'm writing an e-mail to sis yesterday morning-ish, recounting the week that was - and oh, what a week it was - she's asked, of course, of the status of CPP, how things are going in that department, etc. Had I gotten to that point (I was saving it for last for some reason), I would have told her it was going great; I had somewhat successfully pushed her further away in my head; I had become slightly more comfortable with being on the edge of her radar (if that); I had crammed my nights with activities, other friends, flirting with other girls, making it easier, for a bit.

I hadn't been able to say that, though, when she calls me. Huh, I thought, wonder what this is all about. We make it through the small talk - running, ice after running, ice baths, the fourth of july. I think I had just finished a story, to which she didn't react, except to tell me she was sorry for not calling me more often, for not having more time for me. I played the understanding guy, as I usually do, or did, with her. She says, I don't expect it's going to get any better - bar exam in two weeks and two days. Again, I understand.

And then, abruptly, tells me she's moving on August 6th. I suppose I knew that was going to happen as well, though that might have been a little earlier than I expected, or was hoping. A couple or three weeks together after the exam - no/low stress CPP - was what I thought I could reasonably expect.

So the understanding comes out again. I tell her let's chalk it up to bad timing. Maybe if we had gotten together earlier, during law school...it was a resignation, at best. She moved to withdraw, and I had no substantive objection. In spite of the fact that I had been planning on telling her basically the same thing in a couple days, assuming no positive sign from her, I have to tell you, this doesn't feel good. I've never spent so little time with someone, seen someone so seldom, and yet reacted this way. I don't know - maybe in a few days the sting will have worn off, and it'll feel silly to re-read this, but for now, I am sad. I was in a foul mood this afternoon, to the point of wanting to pick a fight with a neighbor; I chose a bottle of wine instead. Probably a good choice.

~ - ~

But don't give up on me, dear readers, if the CPP drama was the main pull of this here blogness. There may or may not be more tales of Addled and girls; there's one in particular, of European stock, who is crazy and weird, but pretty and smart. I haven't decided if I want to share that/those tales yet. I think maybe waiting a couple weeks would be a good idea.

For now, the plan is to keep running and eating right, get skinny and sexy, and make her jealous of not having me, even if she may be 300 miles away. When I'm over there in August and September, should I call her and hook up? We'll see, in August and September.

I know most of you think this is probably a good thing, and were I detached from the situation, I'd probably agree with you. I also know most of you well enough to know you are feeling some empathy for me as well - who hasn't been there? - and for that I thank you in advance.

p.s. I don't know why the first paragraph is 1.5 or double spaced, then the rest are single. I've checked the html, and there's nothing in there that explains it. things like this bug me, so if anyone has special blogger knowledge they'd like to share, do.

p.p.s. For the first time in my life, I may have just eaten the very first peach that I didn't really enjoy.

i've got an answer: i'm going to fly away

2007-07-04T11:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a lyric just jumps out at me as the perfect post title, as this one did just now. It's from one of my favorite songs ever, Suite: Judy Blue Eyes by Crosby, Stills & Nash.

I'll never forget driving down to see my sister one day, perhaps for the niece's birthday or something; I was in a terrific mood, and playing this in my car, singing at the top of my lungs, exuberantly, demonstratively. I happened to glance over at the car next to me where a teenage girl was laughing at me, telling her mom to look at the weirdo in the 87 Honda there. I suppose I should've been embarrassed, but instead decided to pace them for a few more seconds and give them a bit of a show. They enjoyed it, and I did too.

I think what I like best about myself is expressed there - joy. I fucking love life (most of the time), and love to drink in all it has to offer. I wish more people were like me. Ha! That's a funny thing to say.

- - -

Just wanted to write a quick post here thanking everyone for their input. Some first-time commenters, too! Lurkers, you. Anyway, keep it up, I'm sure this saga isn't over, by a long shot. I'm trying to filter your comments and advice through my id, and make some sort of plan that is both constructive and realistic. I think what I'm most interested in accomplishing right now is chilling the fuck out and letting things be what they will be. We'll see how that goes.

You are so oblivious to yourself

2007-07-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, ladies. The comments from the last post lead me to believe that action needs to be taken. You can respond in comments, or by email (addledandinane@gmail.com, or any other e-mails which I'm sure that you know).

Ride it out
Make a fuss
Have a heart-to-heart
Ignore her until she makes some effort
Play hard to get
Any other option you may think of

Right now I'm thinking somewhere in between Ignore her and Play hard to get. But I need you advice, because I'm just about ready to call this whole thing off. But I don't exactly want that either, 'cause I like this girl.

I've been doing a funny thing lately, where I assume her non-committal nature (that's a kind way of putting it) is due to my overpowering awesomeness, and she has to ignore me or she'll get so swept up in me that she won't be able to think of anything else. It gets me through the day.

eta: my willpower is poor and I called her last night. I think I'm just not on her radar, frankly. No, it doesn't feel good. I'm crafting the opening of my goodbye; what's left is the timing.

eta again: You know, I just realized that it's like 3 weeks until the bar exam. Can I hold out that long? CPP's really really bad at hiding or handling her stress. So on one hand, it's only going to get worse. On the other, it'll be "over" relatively soon. Huh, I just don't know what to do.

Take off your Band-Aid 'cause I don't believe in touchdowns

2007-07-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, that's a real lyric. From Wilco's fantastic I Am Trying to Break Your Heart, off Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, an incredible album. I am currently listening to their new album, Sky Blue Sky, which so far is amazing. Any of you know Wilco? I bet AC does - but I underestimate everyone's musical knowledge. I was pretty surprised when she'd heard of Belle & Sebastian, so now I think she knows everyone. Well, I bet if she doesn't, McKee would. He's cool like me.

But that lyric - what the flying fuck does that mean??

- - -

Back to Thursday night for a second. CPP and I both run in that running group I've mentioned, and the week previous we had sat together afterward and had a good time, though without much conversation. Anyway, I thought it was a safe time to hang out, in contradiction to her "not in public" policy, which I am actually pretty comfortable with; but on Thursday it was ice cold - she basically ignored me, though she, her friend D and I were standing at a table together. The normal me would be pissed, or hurt, or something, at that, but for some reason, it didn't then nor does it now really bother me.

The best part of the night, and I have no idea what made me remember this, was when I was at the bar getting a drink, hovering near an old man with a terribly distorted tattoo on his arm. He was just sitting there, drinking, ostensibly alone; I decided to ask him about it, hoping for a good WWII story or something. What I got was puerile small talk about how 50 year old tattoos fade over time. I say puerile, but not necessarily in the negative sense. I was just hoping for a little more.

This reminded me of this great photo essay I found the other day on reddit - a site you should all read. Photos and briefs stories of men and women who've (for the most part) lived in three centuries - amazing.

Makes me want to reconnect, or just connect, with my grandparents. My maternal grandfather is showing signs of going crazy, my maternal grandmother is the same bitch she's been all my life, and probably her whole life; my paternal grandmother I simply do not know very well, not after a visit some twenty years ago (!) that revealed her rampant racism. Nevertheless, what I wouldn't give for their life stories! What I wouldn't give for a few hours of stories from the 30's and 40's. Maybe this is a somewhat recent thing for me - my enjoyment of history. I don't know.

When I was in college, for those who don't know, I was a theatre major. We did a play once that was set in the 40's - in fact it was called The Musical Comedy Murders of 1940. In said play I had three (or so) long monologues listing off famous film stars of the day. That winter I happened to be visiting my Nana and Grandad, who had been divorced for about 14 years and enjoyed a rather chilly friendship. But that night they decided to keep things civil, as their grandson was in town visiting. I thought it might be fun to whip out the script and share with them those monologues. Man, what a great night that turned out to be! I read from the script and they reminisced about the times they actually saw these stars in the theaters as youths. They had the best nicknames then, too - Bunny and Rusty. Bunny and motherfucking Rusty!!! Awesome.

It would only be for one night, but goodness me, it was something to behold. Perhaps only sister-of-mine can truly appreciate the specific joy I felt at these two particular people rejoining, if only for a couple hours, in their youthful exuberance.

What is the lesson here? I have no idea. Maybe there is no lesson - just a general stop-and-smell-the-roses types of vibe. Or, maybe, ask your elders about their lives, their stories will reveal more than you can imagine.

will you surround me, so I can know if I am really real

2007-06-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

A lovely night with CPP last night. Whenever we see each other now it's a little uncomfortable at first. In fact, I had gone for drinks with friends prior to our meeting; I called her after a while, thinking, come pick me up in 15 minutes, but I said how's about a half an hour? She said, yeah, half an hour, an hour, call me when you're done with your friends. 45 minutes later, I call. Another 45 minutes later she shows; I was annoyed. I thought of calling it off; I thought of walking to the store to annoy her back; none of these things would have been productive, and I remembered in the back of my mind how when she finally did show, I would feel better.

And I did. I tried to keep it light in an effort to fall back into the comfort zone we seem to find, even if after some period of unease. What is that? Why do we feel this way? I suppose I'm presuming she feels the same way as I; it is virtually unmistakable. This is actually only the second date we've been on since the slow-down (or the big freeze, as I sometimes think of it), so maybe we're finding a different kind of comfort level with each other now.

The night went well, we simply watched a movie (Black Snake Moan - surprisingly good, and it verged on greatness at times, only to be flung back into the realm of the ordinary as a result of the casting of one Justin Timberlake. What the fuck were they thinking with that one?). She showed me more pictures, something I'm coming to realize is one of her favorite activities - I think I've seen every pic in her house, and now more than a few she keeps online. We talked, and cuddled, and shared a few kisses.

At the end of the night we ended up talking about us, and the future. I found this very troubling, because I swore this would not happen. I don't remember how it started, if it was me or her, but I think it was her, so I feel less bad about it in that respect. Nevertheless, once that door is opened, I can't help but express myself. Those of you who know me (well, that's probably everyone who reads this) are probably aware that I talk a lot; that I have a lot to say; that I am never without an opinion or a thought I can express in no less than fifteen minutes...you get the picture.

I had to tell her that I understood, that I was okay with the way things were going. She said something that pops back into my head this morning - "don't lecture me on how you understand how busy I am, etc." - "lecture"? What the hell? Is that a comment on my verbosity? Or the tone I take sometimes when exercising said verbosity? My friend Matty (aka Henry, you know who I'm talking about, Jenny) and I were once walking through a grocery store; he started a topic of conversation, and I started my response with a pensive "Well..." He sighed and said something to the effect of, "oh, man, I know whenever you start out like that I'm going to get a long response..." He may as well have said "lecture." Jesus.

Back on topic. I tried to tell her, though I didn't actually go as far as saying this, that I was aware of, and comfortable with, the futility of our relationship. She said she didn't believe me; I'm not sure if I believe me, either. On the phone with Sis the other night, I came to the realization that this relationship would be over come September - probably earlier. I told her, as I did to CPP last night, a thought I'd had while walking from court the other day: "be patient, you'll have all the time in the world with her between August 1st and August 20th." This thought cracked me up - but neither Sis nor CPP got the joke. It's possible they're both a little slow (zing!). What is the joke? The futility of it all? I would call this exercise pointless, except it's not. I like her, and I know she likes me, as little as she may express it.

One more thing I'm thinking about. She became annoyed when she thought I had referred to her as my girlfriend. "I'm not your girlfriend," she says. This stems from a silly joke I made about 'my other girlfriend - and it wasn't for another hour or so that she had this reaction. My initial reaction was, yes you are - I'm not interested in seeing anybody else, and I presume she isn't either. Does that make us bf/gf?. My next reaction was, who gives a shit? Words, words words - nomenclature, it's a silly thing to get upset about.

Get to see her again tonight for the run, if only briefly, and in the company of others, when the freeze is especially chilly. But I'll take it.

edit to add: 6.29 - brrrr!

but the tears on her cheek are from laughter

2007-06-26T07:22:00.000-07:00

I should give a CPP update; as much as I would like to stop writing about her/us, the rest of my life seems pretty dull, and since most of my readers are women who love me, this kind of stuff should give you the opportunity to sigh and ponder relationships. Or at least remember when your relationship was young and troubled.

But troubled it may not be, necessarily. Last week of the drama, minor, yes, but drama all the same, resolved itself somewhat nicely. I saw her Sunday night, the e-mail, the e-mail exchanges, then not again until Thursday. Thursday nights, of course, are the group run night, and I, with some friends, like to stick around and drink. There has been other law students there only for the alcohol, and this past Thursday we drank with them - even though they were lowly 1Ls. (Okay, rising 2Ls, and it's time, I think, to bestow upon them the respect that is deserving of finishing your 1st year of law school. Also, at least this group, I like.)

Anyway, post-run interactions were uncomfortable at best. We had a hard time communicating, getting into the rhythm of our banter. When we joined the group we didn't talk at all - I knew/know she hates public displays, but the message I was getting was that it's not okay to indicate any sort of special friendship here. Now, in hindsight, I think I understand a little better - we were hanging with a group we hadn't been with before, and even though all but one were people she would likely never see again (past this summer), the one had been in her class, and frankly she strikes me as the gossiping type. Here's an interesting CPP quirk: she doesn't want to be gossiped about, and I mean she just despises that thought - but she's a huge gossip herself. She's full of little wrinkles like this; I find it very interesting.

I digress. I had expected a couple drinks, a brush of the hand as a substitute for a goodbye kiss; but she remained, kept ordering drinks, so I remained, waiting to see how the night would play out. We met towards the end of the evening alone in the hallway - I stopped, thinking it was private enough for a kiss, but no - a kiss on the cheek was all I would get. Yeah, I was a little frustrated, but my inexhaustible patience took over, and I shrugged it off. Patience will be the word of Summer 2007.

The party was breaking up. We paid our bills, the 1Ls dispersed, and CPP and I walked off together on a really lovely early summer evening. Turns out her car was back at school (a mile, maybe a little more, walk), so we walked there. This was an interesting walk - she stayed a few steps ahead of me virtually the whole time, smiling, happy, being goofy and talking to every one of the people we passed. It was nice, actually, even if alcohol-induced; so much of the CPP I see is stressed out, worried, cautious; tonight I got a little carefree, a little joy in the everyday. There was no substantive conversation on this walk; notwithstanding the fact that I have all but abandoned such talk, at the time it seemed inappropriate.

Arrival at the car - I tell her a hundred feet earlier that I'll walk home, it was nice to see you again; but she barters me into a ride home on the promise of coming in for a few minutes. So here's the substantive discussion - and mind you, I wasn't nervous about a bad substantive discussion, as it seems (upon retelling) this might be the case. Hell, any substantive discussion would quench my thirst a little. Can you tell I like the word "substantive" right now? Also, I've taken to "effectuate" and "pursuant (to)".

So, in short, this was what she said. Sorry I pulled a 180 on you, there. It probably would have happened whether or not you sent that e-mail (phew!). You were fantastic this past week. I actually remember other things about tat night more clearly than her exact words - funny, that. All I can say is that I was terribly relieved. It was especially nice to hear knowing she would be out of town until Sunday night.

I can't exactly tell you it's been a hell of a lot easier since then, though. That inexhaustible patience I mentioned is getting a workout, and I need to realize it's going to be like this for a long time; really, for the majority of time together.

I will say this though - we've talked on the phone every day since our first date. I'm pretty sure of that, maybe there was a day or two here or there. But that's a good thing, I think. Pretty good for me; I hate talking on the phone...I wonder if I'm just taking whatever I can from her right now, and if so, is that a bad thing? I don't like the lack of any semblance of control in this relationship - patience, patience - e.g., it felt like I got penciled into her datebook last night. (We're getting together Wednesday. I should be happy I got that much.)

The other option, I realize, is make a good faith effort to crank back my own feelings. Not to play it cool, to actually feel less strongly about/towards her.

Or, these two research projects could actually start, and I could spend time reading Establishment Clause and landlord/tenant cases instead of pondering the ins and outs of the heart of a CPP.

Someone's in my dictionary, up to no good

2007-06-23T08:57:00.001-07:00

...I never find the very special words I should

I love that song, Banshee Beat by Animal Collective - I think I've featured that on the old sidebar lyric thing before.

- - -

I've only linked to other stuff once or twice before on this blog; I don't think I'm that kind of blogger. So far it's been a great dumping ground for me, as evidenced by all the CPP stuff you've seen here the last two weeks. Ah, the beginnings of relationships always provide great fodder.

That being said, I've been transfixed the last couple of days by this saga, and I hope you will be too. Long story short, the writer of the linked blog runs a dvd rental business. He's contacted by the creator of one of the dvd's, asked and/or told stop renting it. (I don't recall whether this was done, but it's almost immaterial.) He is then contacted via phone and e-mail by a Los Angeles attorney demanding same.

Then you get a long series of e-mails from this attorney, over the course of days, I think, that just made me laugh, laugh some more, and then feel sorry for the guy. Well, I don't want to ruin it. Trust me, you'll be entertained.

I'm also putting this up here because most of us are future lawyers. In a way, this a cautionary tale - not to caution us from behaving in this way, but to warn us that we will have to deal with this kind of attorney in our professional lives. I think we've all been out in the world, to a certain degree, enough to have run across some bad lawyers, so it shouldn't really be that surprising. Not surprising, but challenging.

My boss takes lawyer relations quite seriously, and in his take-addled-under-his wing mode (for now, we'll see) he's tried to impart the importance of it upon me. Example: he had a couple trials recently, and a couple summary judgment wins, before which, in pre-trial settlement discussions, opposing counsel has puffed themselves, and their clients' positions, unreasonably upon him. He was told at least once, "you're going to pay my fees and costs"; nothing gets him more riled up than this. No one who reads this has met the boss, I don't think - trust me when I tell you he doesn't need any riling up at all.

So here's the advice* he gives me: don't do anything to make your opponent work harder. Don't get in their face, don't posture (more than necessary). Some of these attorneys were young, taking on losing cases, and had a lot of time on their hands to work the case - he didn't want to give them any reason to spend any more time on them.

I think that's pretty good advice.

*everything's a lesson lately, which is starting to get annoying, more on that later.

Oxygen and carbon dioxide

2007-06-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

Did my second group run last night, and damn, did I do well! I don't have a consistent or accurate metric, but I beat the two girls I was hoping to beat, and also beat a third girl I was hoping to beat, but after I realized she may have a hard time because of her asthma, so I don't feel as good about that win. Yeah, I know I'm all proud of beating girls; if there were dudes that I was hoping to beat, I'd be happy about that too. But I started running with the aforementioned two, and they're in better shape than I, so I'm happy. Despite pride being a sin.

We all cooled down, drank some water, and I went to grab my stuff from my friend's car. Upon said grabbing, what did I do? I had a motherfucking cigarette. I am incorrigible. Seriously, fifteen minutes after running 3 miles, in which I really pushed myself, and I have to pollute my lungs and environment around me with a damn smoke. What's wrong with me?

all the things you are

2007-06-20T18:48:00.000-07:00

Knowing one's self has got to be the greatest gift a person has. I used to marvel at the wisdom of Laertes' words, "To thine own self be true", while sending his son away; yes, indeed, though it is a task more difficult than those simple words make it seem.

Had a good weekend with Sister, Brother-in-Law, Niece, Nephew and Mom; the only setback was Bro-in-Law and Mom getting deathly ill with a 24-hour-ish bug while they were here (!). That must have sucked, bug time. Mom pushed through, God bless her, because she was desperate to do 2 things: buy me some clothes, and meet CPP.

Saturday evening CPP and I had dinner with Sister and the kids; that went well. They seemed to like each other, though CPP was definitely guarded. Who wouldn't be? We had wanted to go out more, but in dropping the kids off at the hotel Sister turned on Mom mode and decided she had to stay in. It was for the best, for me, anyway; CPP and I went up to a wine bar/restaurant, held hands across the table and shared a nice if somewhat frugal bottle of red and retired to her apartment. You know those nice evenings where you talk for an hour somewhere, and things just seem to fall into place? This was one of those nights.

Mom powered up the next day and took me shopping, spending WAY more than she had to. I got a more than a few nice shirts, ties, and a new suit out of the deal - "deal", she just bought 'em. I told her this would suffice as a graduation gift, as it will be the suit (navy pinstripe) that I interview in. I hope she takes me up on the offer.

We had a farewell lunch and CPP joined; I had been warning the family to be nice to her, and they all were. By nice, I mean, don't pepper her with questions, make her uncomfortable and all that; anyway, I think all parties were pleased with the outcome. I was, anyway, even despite the call for a pic of CPP and I at the end of the day.

Fast forward to Monday night. (Another good evening with her Sunday, actually, but that's a post for another time, if ever). I figured I wouldn't see her, as I had Law Review 'function' to attend. Nevertheless, on the phone with her twice that evening she was a complete raging bitch. The end of the second conversation had me all riled up. I tried to cool off for a few minutes, and I think it actually worked, because I picked up the phone to call her back, dialed her number, then hung up, realizing I didn't yet know how to put into words what I was thinking or feeling - mind you, all I was thinking/feeling was "I don't like how we ended that conversation - we're ok, right?" That would have been the wiser course, I think, for I turned to the other mode of conversation in this modern world - e-mail.

Now, I used to drunk dial. I used to, and still do, drunk text. Now I've gotten into the awful habit of drunk e-mailing. (I should say here that I had a couple beers at the LR thing and was at the time polishing off the remnants of a bottle of red). So, knowing she wouldn't get it until the next morning (no internet at home - for shame), I turn to the computer to dash off a message to her, really just trying to express that above-noted feeling - "we're ok, right?"

But instead, I let my world-renowned verbosity take over, and end up saying everything that's on my mind. The conversation we had had, and to which I was specifically reacting, was dominated by talk of two things: my future, and our future. I was rambling on about NYC and San Francisco, how I was hopeful and confident, and so looking forward to my future life. Now, if you know her, you know that she does not yet have a job. I think, actually I know, this is causing her some stress. It is for this reason that she will likely (um, like 99% sure) be heading back home after graduation (back home is that big city to the west that I won't mention 'cause I'm desperately anonymous).

So, there's basically the two points of issue; thing is, she got pissy with me about talking about my future, while I was getting agitated about her future. After I had finished a long rant about my future, she said, "Yeah, I was optimistic when I was your age, too." Note, of course, that I'm five years older than her, though I knew what she meant - she had high hopes as a rising 3L as well, but now stands as an unemployed graduate trying to learn all she can to pass the bar. Whereas I was stressing out about the fact that she would be gone in August; she will be gone in August.

So, I start composing the e-mail. It started out so well. I told her how I understood what she was going through, the stress she was feeling, and how it probably wasn't too pleasant to listen to me ramble about all my prospects. I let her know I would 'keep that shit to a minimum.' I thought that was a pretty nice thing to say, and do (if I can actually do it). But then I inserted my own shit in there too - thinking, foolishly - that our future was an issue as well. I suggested various options: she stays here, we do some long-distance thing; that went over like a bag of bricks. I don't know; in hindsight I still can't deny the possibility that she was upset over the 'our future' thing too, but her response makes me think that isn't the case.

She gave me the old, 'slow down' response. Actually, truth be told, I e-mailed her a second message saying maybe I was a little too intense in that first message, please disregard anything I said that may have made you think twice about us. Anyway, she was rather displeased about the whole thing, and now I haven't seen her since Sunday.

As I write this, possibly my longest blog post ever (not that there's a lot to compare it to), I wonder if I'm overreacting in a big way. I just get the feeling that she's incredibly reticent about our relationship (such as it is). Of course, it could also be that she's so bogged down in bar review that the stress of it is overwhelming her, and she needs to concentrate on one thing at a time, and I have to take a back seat; I'm really okay with that, as long as I re-enter the picture at some point. Have we established enough of a foundation that she won't just move away, no big deal, just a little summer fling?

The other thing is, we seemed so simpatico just a few days ago. I thought we were on the same page on just about everything, and one unfortunate e-mail later, all of a sudden I'm way in front of this relationship. Ugh. Something I told her in the above-mentioned second e-mail, and a theme I hope I can reiterate to her through these next 5 weeks: I just want to be with you. Something I hope I can practice, without freaking out at not seeing her for a week: I just want to be with you. Something I hope she believes about me, even if I do get crazy every once in a while: I just want to be with you.

- - -

Edit to add:

Anyone who read this whole thing shouldn't have to read any more, but there is this: I think it should be getting easier to calm down about CPP, play it cool, be cool, etc., as I will soon be starting a research assistant position, and I actually just applied for a second one. So, if I get the second, that's an extra 20-26 hours a week I'll have to be busy and chill the fuck out.

Honestly, none of this really bothers me that much - I think the problem I have is that I thought she was right there with me, thinking, feeling the same as I was. And maybe she was, only she really knows - but that's immaterial, I suppose, for it is now the way it is now. That makes sense, right?

While birds and rich folks flew right on by

2007-06-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

Minor template change here - well, I suppose there's no degree of change when you change the whole thing...I actually looked into TypePad and LiveJournal for thirty seconds before just deciding to change to a different standard template. But this blog seems to be going well, so now I'm thinking of putting a little more effort into the look and feel of it. We'll see how it goes.

- - -

Mom, Sister, Niece (7) & Nephew (9 months) arrive in about an hour and a half, to stay for about 36 hours. It's a 5 hour drive; I'm not sure why they chose to get here on Saturday afternoon only to leave again the next day...they said it's tough with the kids, and I know it is (well, I don't, really), but why should that make a difference? Get here Friday night, leave Sunday night. Much better.

Mom's never been here, as she lives many hundreds - nay, thousands - of miles away. She's taking a well-deserved few months off work, and spending one with Sis , so they decided to pop over and check the place out. Sis has been here a few times already, bless her heart, and each time we've shown Niece the wonders of this town.* But I'm rather excited to have Mom see the place, too - I'm pretty close with my Mom, though less so in the last few years...I wonder why that is. I think I'm starting to feel like a grown-up (finally) - not that that means I have to drift away from family - just that I'm starting to concentrate on other things, other stresses...

- - -

Went out last night with some friends/classmates - these two, with whom the night began, are two of the few friends with whom I feel like I can discuss law school related issues with boring them, or getting the inevitable, "can we talk about something other than law school?" Any way, Cutie Patootie Poo joined us, and when she arrived, I thought we were going to leave straight away, as she's still a bit uncomfortable with my friends. She doesn't know them as well, and doesn't want the rumor mill to grind away, as it inevitably will - maybe she just wants to forebear it as long as possible, which, frankly, is fine by me. That being said, I've never been one to be gossiped about much, and that's a good thing.

So she stayed, and with each drink she ordered I ordered another. I was pretty surprised, but pleased. Some of her friends eventually came by, which was probably good for her - or bad, as we left together, likely kick starting the aforementioned mill.

One last note about CPP - I'm finding that I tell her my thoughts and feelings a lot - maybe too much. I'm going to try to tone it down a bit, in an effort to play/be cool. So? That means this blog will have to be my outlet for said thoughts/feelings; so if any of you are or become sick and damn tired of reading about me and CPP, I'm going to have to ask you to deal with it. I'm very much in touch with my girly emotional side, and believe me, I've tried to suppress it before, but at my age I realize that is a futile endeavor. I am who I am, and if it doesn't let itself out here, it will bleed out in real life, and that can get messy.

- - -

Finally, a personal note to one reader:

AC, I miss you terribly, and I'm sorry I never write or IM you anymore. I hope your studies are going swimmingly (everyone here is killing themselves and miserable), your man is treating you well and talking your ear off about various internet/IP issues, and that you miss me too.

- - -

Cheers, everyone; have a wonderful weekend.

*I think pretty much everyone who reads this blog realizes the sarcasm/facetiousness of that comment, right?

I wear a coat of feelings and they are loud

2007-06-15T07:34:00.000-07:00

An appropriate lyric for me, I think, something an old undergrad professor noted about me once (man, I wonder what she's doing these days?), but it has little or nothing to do with the subject of this post...

Last night I participated in my first organized "fun run" - there is this running club that meets every Thursday at a local Irish pub, runs a 3-mile route, then sticks around for beers. Participate 6 times, get a free t-shirt (a rather nice one, too). It was witnessing this once, a couple weeks ago (same night I confessed my crush to Cutie Patootie Poo), that inspired me to start running.

Now remember, folks, Addled is a 32-year-old smoker (for 10+ years [!]) who is not much of an exerciser. Prior to the running, I had started to try some yoga at home, thanks to a nice beginner's video on YouTube, and pushups and situps once in a while. But running? That was beyond me, certainly.

A friend of mine, let's call her "Alison," said she'd run with me, and I gladly accepted, because she's a beginner too, so at least I'd have someone with me who sucked as bad I do. We went out Monday and Tuesday, running about 3 miles each time - well, running/walking, which is the advice I received from Cutie Patootie Poo, a girl who has run 3 freaking marathons - and we ran/walked also last night. We need to get better, because I had to kick it into high gear at the end last night in order to beat a couple of 50+ year olds to avoid last place...

I hope Cutie Patootie Poo (CPP) doesn't think my newfound interest in running has anything to do with her...it really doesn't, as a matter of fact. I'm doing it for me, to get in shape, to help me quit smoking, and, to quote one of my favorite lines from the most overrated movie of all time, "I want to look good naked". So, maybe part of it is for her benefit...

time passes slowly then it fades away

2007-06-12T07:35:00.000-07:00

I received a comment yesterday (irl) about the tone of the past few posts - I believe he called it "introspective." It bothered me a little,* I have to admit; is this a problem, me talking about my feelings, my introspective side? I'm not getting a lot of comments here - why is that? Do you all think I'm joking, or lying? I can see you shaking your head and thinking, "Addled, you didn't go on a date with a girl, we all know you're gay..."

Well, nuh-uh. Not gay, just shy and picky. Even the girl of the moment had to press the issue, which is something I don't necessarily regret; in fact, as I think of it, a lot of my past girlfriends have pursued me, in varying degrees. I think part of it is laziness, too; also fear, I can't deny it. I've gotten pretty damn comfortable being alone - no obligations, much cheaper, I can sit in my jammies all night long and watch tv all weekend if I want to (and have).

Anyway, I'm somewhat dubious about this one now. Chances are she'll be gone in a month and a half, or sooner, so I think I'm going to go for the "let's enjoy each other as much as we can in our short time together" mode. Talking to sister last night we decided there are risks with any approach, and frankly I'm all too often guilty of overthinking things, so all my efforts now shall go into not overthinking, just enjoying. Let's see how that goes.

* Not that much though, so don't worry about it, P. It bothers me more that you're not going to be living near me next year - oh the fun we could have had...

the Bitter Pill Yet Undiscovered

2007-06-11T17:33:00.000-07:00

Going back to my desire to title posts with song lyrics, the above is a somewhat interesting choice, and I'll tell you why in a second. Now, I often pick a lyric from a song that I'm listening to at the time, as I did just now. The song is Rapture by Pedro the Lion (a band I'm not totally in love with, but I do like that song), and it's about - well, it's about sex. Just plain, raw, animal sex. But it's about cheating sex, which, if the song is true, must be pretty hot (never done it myself).

So, it's interesting because something I learned about the girl* last night was how much she despises infidelity. It was sorta weird; she had a strong visceral reaction to it (I think we may have been watching Manhattan Murder Mystery, one of my all-time favorite Woody Allen movies, and Woody has no shortage of infidelity in his films), and I wasn't sure how to react, other than to say, "yeah, cheating is wrong." I'm willing to bet I said it better than that, but you get the picture.

The date went well. We took a little while to get comfortable, but the wine and my narrow sofa helped cuddle us up. She stayed for around 7 hours, and time really flew. I'm finding now that I don't want to talk about it too much - why is that? Cause it'll sound stupid if we're still together in a while (are we 'together' now? after one date? Maybe, after her rant against infidelity), or broken up? Cause I don't want to jinx it? Maybe instead of trying to play it cool, I should actually be cool. Like the Fonz - eeeyyyyyy!

(that was supposed to sound like Fonzie's trademarked saying. it does, right?)

*I need to think of a pseudonym for her. Suggestions? Matilda? Miriam? Lillian? Actually, I like all those names.

one or two won't do...

2007-06-11T00:23:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe a fuller recap later, but she just left my house (we did it at my house so she wouldn't have to cart my ass home late at night), and here's the post-date text messages:

me: Sorry for keeping you so late...but I've got a big smile on my face right now.

her: me too.

So, good times.

Oh, fuck it I guess I lost

2007-06-09T14:27:00.000-07:00

This week started out well enough, but by Thursday I had lost virtually all my motivation. I'm not sure what happened, but it was miserable and my work suffered. I feel I should be able to power through slow times, but this probably happens to everyone, so maybe I should stop bitching about it...

My boss does something weird, any other people who work, tell me if this happens to you. I'll write something, a pleading usually, put it under boss' nose, and he edits, returns it me to make changes. Then, after reviewing the second draft, he'll find more and more wrong with it, and when giving it back to me, he'll act all disappointed that I gave him a second draft seemingly worse than the first, when in fact it's virtually the same, only with his changes. What gives? Maybe he's taking a closer look at it the second time, or maybe he expects me to make changes beyond his specific edits the first time. It's a little weird.

Sunday night: watching a movie with a girl at her house. Not ready to call it a date yet, but it sorta feels like one, anyway. We've expressed very little to one another in terms of expectations, or where we are in our lives, beyond the fact that I told her a week and a half ago that I'd harbored a crush for her a while back. While I blithely suggested we get together sometime, it was her idea to watch a movie together at her house. So that's pretty cool - I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit how long it's been for me, so at the same time I'm trying to play it cool. I'll let everyone know how it goes on Monday.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

This Paralegal is Driving Me Crazy

2007-06-07T09:59:00.000-07:00

She's a good gal, hard working, smart, and all that crap, but she will just not shut the fuck up for 2 seconds. Boss is at a hearing, other employee is out of town, so it's just me and her, and she won't stop bugging me. Smoke break time is fast approaching.

I think I've been a little anxious this morning, thinking about my future for some reason. Boss keeps telling me to relax, to enjoy this summer as much as I can, for it's the last time I'll really have. And frankly, he's right, and I should enjoy the summer, and I will, but today I've been pondering all I need to do in the next few months to prepare myself for my future. Getting contacts, feet in various doors, applying for fellowships, clerkships, writing and rewriting cover letters and various versions of my resume...god, enough, you get the picture.

I was planning on not going out tonight, but now maybe I will. It'll help me destress a bit and more actively enjoy the summer. Anyone up for some happy hours after work tonight?

When I feel like I'm gonna have to start I just have to stop

2007-06-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

Terribly awesome weekend. Still recovering, physically. So here you go - prepare for verbosity.

Friday was going to be hectic, though I'd planned it to be a lazy (or as much as I am able to plan my own schedule, which isn't much, frankly): goof off in the morning, leave early. But Thursday I got a rush assignment, a memo for a post-litigation attack on the attorney fee award. The hearing was the next day, but this got dropped on my lap the day before - I don't know if boss had it, or if opposing counsel served his brief on us the day before as a courtesy or something. Anyway, it could have meant thousands of dollars, so I crank something out on his desk before end of business. I also get one of the graduated interns to come in the next morning to sign his declaration (opposing counsel was arguing legal assistance time, which is obtainable as reasonable legal fees*).

The next morning is the final hearing on this case, which boss (and graduated intern, who did a crapload on that case) won on summary judgment a couple weeks before. Boss asks me to come to court with him - sweet, right? Except at the last minute I have to stay to do other work: new filings, which I realize as I'm doing them, will extend my afternoon further than I want, because it's me who will be taking these 5 or 6 files to court this afternoon.

Oh well. I stay and churn out some cases, and when he returns, we won. I was happier than I realized. He thanked me for the work, which was a little unusual. Actually it was unheard of a few months ago, but I digress. But I'm also getting bored with my own story here, so that must mean that you've already closed this tab and moving on to some other exciting internet related item, such as this:

or this:

Anyway, they're called lolcats and they're funny. And there are multiple permutations of this meme out there too. I just used 'they're' twice in the 1st sentence and then 'there' twice in the 2nd. Weird. I checked it just to make sure I don't make that all too common there/their/they're mistake. My sister's a grammar/spelling person too. Hi Amy!

Yeah, so, Friday was cool. I feel like I don't wanna write the rest of my weekend now. So, have a nice Tuesday or Wednesday or whenever you read this. Just have a nice day.

* fellow students, or the recently graduated,** do you see how I even blog like I'm writing a brief? If I were at school I might have accidentally put a pinpoint cite after that sentence.

** hi, AC! I got an A in IP. :P

I must fine because my heart's still beating

2007-06-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

Ugh.

I expressed affection for no fewer than three women last night, culminating in the likely ill-advised e-mail that is recreated in the post below. The thing is, though, I meant it. To one girl I simply said (while she was giving me her phone number and asking me to call her this weekend, it should be noted) that I had had a crush on her since my 1L year (she'd been a tutor). No biggie.

To another, I put on my best wooing demeanor, and with alcohol-loosened tongue, tried to convince this lovely creature that we should be together. After refusing to kiss me (don't worry friends, I kept it light and airy), I persevered via text message. I pride myself on my expressive abilities in this medium - it takes a special skill, I believe, to get in a full thought in that limited space. I like at least a beginning and ending, and if I'm lucky I can squeeze in a substantive middle as well. Also, I insist on correct grammar and punctuation - is anyone else like that (I know Amy is)?

Anyway, I think it was all for naught - though maybe the runner will work out, who knows. I just hope I haven't crumbled the foundations of any friendships, which I sincerely want to preserve. I suppose I'm especially worried about the last one, the one I e-mailed last night. She doesn't seem like the type to respond well to this sort of thing. It occurs to me as I write this that she reads this blog, so I wonder if I should choose my words and thoughts carefully - seeing as how at 8:18am I do not have an alcohol-loosened tongue - but I think I need to say one other thing, God help me.

The last one is someone who needs to hear that stuff, perhaps more than anyone. (please bear in mind that I may be full of shit, but I'm going on anyway). From everything I've heard, from her and others, her fiance is a jackass - she deserves so much better than that. I don't regret e-mailing you, dear, and I hope you won't hold it against me during this, our last year together.

- - -

Big fun weekend approaching. Friend from S-town arrives in T-Minus 5 hours - which will likely turn into 7 hours or so - and I got permission to leave work early. He picks me up at the office, and we head straight for the disc golf course. What is this 'disc golf' you speak of, I can hear you asking? Actually, I think most of you know about it, though perhaps someday I will post a big thing all about it. I barely play anymore, and mostly only when friend from S-town comes here, or I visit him there.

Hopefully we have enough energy to party like rock stars, because I love it when my non-law school friends meet my law school friends. I was pondering earlier why that is, and I think it's because I love all these folks so much, they are such quality people and friends, that I want to share them. Also, friend makes a great wing man, so maybe that'll help with runner-girl-who-gave-me-her-phone-number.

- - -

Speaking of running, I'm going to try it again. I'm convinced that I need to get rid of the gut and get healthy; I'm not getting any younger, and I think it's time I made myself look good. To what end? I don't know. There's a local running/drinking club that we saw last night while doing only the drinking part, and four of us decided to join. Two of the four, myself and a girl, are way out of shape, so we pledged to run together - I hope I don't wuss out. It'll help to have a partner - so I also hope she doesn't wuss out.

- - -

Okay, that's enough for now. Back on Monday with more tongue-loosened thoughts, unrequited affection pledges, and disc golf tournament round-up.

Life is a test and we all got the answer

2007-05-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else love lyrics the way I do? I know some people don't pay attention to lyrics, they just groove with it, but I love good lyrics - probably why I'm such a fan of Bob Dylan. Anyway, my last two posts have been lyrics, and I do believe I will make a habit of it. Incidentally, this is something practiced by a weird but cool site called the new shelton wet/dry, a site I haven't figured out yet, though truth be told, I haven't tried that hard.

Been too long since I've posted; I have too much to say. I'm thinking of a year in review type thing, though I doubt I can remember much from last semester. Stay tuned nonetheless.

Last Saturday: went to see the 3Ls graduate. It was at 9:30am, which is a little ridiculous in my opinion, but nobody asked my opinion (too bad - I'm quite opinionated). It was pretty cool. The guest speaker, some bigshot old white man, was tremendously dull. I'm sure it's the same at every graduation across the country, save for those who can get Bill Clinton or Jon Stewart.* I think we should get President Clinton for ours - who cares that we're a tiny tier 3 school? Let's think big, people. In fact, I think I've already mentioned it to the bmoc sba president.

Anyway, it was nice to see friends graduate, cheer for my favorites, and keep a running commentary to a couple friends sitting nearby, such as "oh, I like her. She was in my Sales class," or, "so THAT's who that is! I've seen his name, but never put it to a face," or, "that guy's a dick. I do not care for him." I believe I got a chuckle out of them once or twice.

That night we went out to a local pub and drank. It was pretty fun to see these recently graduated folks shrug off three years of law school and enjoy one another's company for a few hours. It makes me a little wistful, in hindsight, especially remembering one person in particular. She and became pretty close over the course of the last semester, and I will miss her terribly. Met her special man for the first time, who drove up for graduation and to help her pack up her stuff for their move back home. I have to say, I was a little worried that I wouldn't take to him for one reason or another (basically, I think I was worried I wouldn't consider him to be good enough for her), but I was happily surprised to find myself really liking him. In fact, I think we could be really good friends, and I'm actually hoping top correspond with him a bit, as we have a similar mindset when it comes to nerdy IP issues - and he isn't even a lawyer/law student. SO, AC, good job. You have chosen wisely.

I really liked the recently graduated class (except for that one guy, who's a dick), and I'll miss them. A few are still here, studying for the bar before they go off to whatever towns and cities they will settle down in, and I'm hoping for a few more drunken nights with them before they start their bar prep, which I expect will take up most of their time.

I also couldn't help but think ahead a year, and imagine myself and my classmates sitting their graduating (and drinking later that night). That will definitely make me sad. I love my class, and I think we're a pretty special group. It will be too bad when we have to split up and go our separate ways. I'm sure there will be a million who go to the city from which most of us came - maybe not me, though, as I'm thinking about NYC or San Francisco** or something. Maybe I'll retire there.

Okay, enough rambling for now.

*okay, you need to read this. It's freaking hilarious. And while I was searching for it, I also found Conan O'Brien's from 2000 at Harvard. Also, if there are any Family Guy fans out there, search YouTube for Seth McFarlane's speech (not graduation, but around that time) - he does a lot of voices, and it's pretty funny.

**see earlier post about that fellowship thingie - I spoke on the phone with a friend of mine last night (who will be entering law school this fall [!]), and every time I think or talk about it, I get more and more fired up about it. If anyone has ideas about how I should shape my application, please let me know.

p.s. Jenny, I hope you don't mind that I use your asterisk-footnote format. I know you didn't invent it or anything, but you are the only blogger I know who uses it. Besides, it's the sincerest form of flattery, right?

and by us, I mean everyone in the world who isn't you

2007-05-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

Four finals in 5 days. It wasn't that bad, really. I was pretty darn underprepared for most of them, frankly, and I thought they went pretty well. The only one I had really been prepping for any significant length of time in advance had been IP, which exam was last Tuesday, and which I think I have mentioned already as being one of the hardest exams I had taken. I heard through the grapevine that a classmate of mine - he of notes on reading on his computer (I'm uber-prepared if I highlight and write notes in the margins) - spoke with the prof and was aghast at all he missed; I'm sure I missed all the same, and likely more than he did, but this is really neither here nor there, and I'm rambling again.

The last two finals I took were Corporations and PR (professional responsibility, for those not law school-inclined). I'd like to pause here and say a word about my school - that Corporations is its own 3-credit, semester-long course is one reason why we're not highly regarded. I've often mentioned to my classmates that Corps and Agency & Partnership (its own 3-credit, semester-long course) should be merged into one course, like a real law school. I think the Law Bitches* have mentioned that their school does this - they call it Business Organizations or something. This is the way to go. A&P and Corps were not only ridiculously easy courses (I could have learned as much writing a 1st year LR&W memo in a weekend), but that we learned so little over the course of those months made the classes themselves incredibly dull.

Now, I do have to say, I like my school. I despise the town its in, but this school is on the rise - I'm not sure how our new-ish Dean is performing; I have no standard against which to judge him, or his performance; I guess we'll have to judge him in a few years (much like NFL draft picks). I try to stay positive about this school - we have some great professors, and I feel lucky that I've been able to take a lot of them. But, of course, with the good you always have some bad, and this prof, who taught these two courses, is one of the worst. Just abysmally bad. He simply needs to retire, and I know of not one of my classmates who disagrees with me.

Not sure if I mentioned this earlier in the semester, but that midterm that I bombed? It had a huge typo, one that was entirely relevant to the fact pattern. After I discussed it with some classmates, I was feeling pretty good, because they had missed it. After further discussions, I was feeling pretty bad, because no one caught it - well, one did, but assumed it was a typo, which, it turns out, was pretty smart. Well, I received an extra credit point, but did poorly on that test, in large part because I wasted so much time analyzing why that mistake was relevant and how it related to the overall conclusion to be reached. Anyway, on the final on Thursday, jackass prof made another typo. I wasn't fooled this time, noting it for what it was. But I was just laughing on the inside at the inanity of it all. You could even say I was addled at its inanity. Now you know why I named this blog the way I did.

I don't know how good an idea this is, but I am seriously thinking of writing a message, via e-mail or snail mail, to the Dean, about this guy. Think it's worth it? The likely outcome of such a communique? Nada. I'm sure the Dean already knows of the worthlessness of said prof - there are rumors that the rest of the faculty is fed up with him as well - but there may be little he can do about it. I'm fairly certain he's tenured, and he started one of the big programs here; nevertheless, if the Dean wishes to improve our ranking and reputation, canning (or forcefully suggesting retirement) this guy is one of the first steps he needs to take.

The same could be said of the prof who teaches PR. Another older gentleman who has a long history here, and is likely untouchable. At least his class got through a lot of material - but the teaching method was mind-numbingly bad. Read off the powerpoint. Every frickin' day. Called on students maybe four or five times all semester. What was most frustrating though was this final I took on Friday. Now, I know some hate discussing exams after, but I love talking about it, and luckily, there were a couple of people who were willing. We all concurred - on virtually every question, there were facts missing which were material to whatever conclusion you had to come to. Now that I write that, I wonder if this was intentional, but I doubt it. On every question, it was "well, if this is true, then this is the conclusion. But if this is true, then this conclusion." On one question, I had to write a disclaimer at the top - "For the purposes of this question, I will assume that X is a lawyer, as it is indicated only circumstantially by the facts." Come on, man; on a PR exam, let us know who the lawyer is. Don't make us fucking guess.

Please excuse the language. The more I think about it, the more upset I get. This prof also had a couple of typos, which is really just ridiculous in my oh so humble opinion. These two profs must be making six figures. They teach, what 2 classes per semester? You can't proofread your fucking exams? Argh - I'm getting all riled up. And the caffeine is really kicking in, too. Probably a bad combination.

I'm sure there was more I was planning on talking about, but I think I better cut this short before I go on and on and on and on and on and on. Too late.

*I just visited their site to grab their url, and that post with the song about finals cracked my ass up. It's just too perfect. Please visit their great blog.

Two down, three to go

2007-05-02T07:37:00.000-07:00

Last night I finished my second of five finals. Today I have a "day off" - from finals, anyway, but I'll be at work all day. I worked yesterday until 2, went to school and tried to compile all my materials for the exam (it was open everything - but she just writes the test that much harder), then typed for 3 hours. I was freaking exhausted by the time 9pm arrived - that club sandwich and those beers were much needed, and I think well-deserved. We'll find out in a month or so.

The first final was on Monday, and it went a lot better than I was expecting, which, of course, means it probably went just as well for everyone else also. That's a problem with curved courses. But I was rather worried about that one. Our professor has been nicknamed "the velvet hammer," as she is nothing but sweet and jolly all semester long, until you take her exam, when you realize you probably should have been doing the reading.

That being said, however, I think I did ok. I was a little unsure of all the ins and outs of the rules on character (this was evidence, btw), as there are a few that have different rules for different situations. One thing that did irk me a touch was the fact that she told us to concentrate on two or three hearsay exceptions, those which, incidentally, she used the mos often in her practice, but they were nowhere to be found. Oh well - I guess I learned them anyway, and hopefully they'll come in handy some day.

Last night's exam was a bear. I said to me classmates, "It wasn't a marathon, and it wasn't a sprint. It was like sprinting a marathon," to which my friend A added, "with a bear chasing you." That's pretty much correct. This was the fourth exam I've taken from this professor, and we all knew what we were getting into - not that it made it any easier...

Also, I feel a bit of pressure on that one because the prof is also my moot court coach next year, on a mot court team with that subject matter. It would probably suck to have gotten anything below a B and show up to face her - but let's burn that bridge when we come to it.

Anyway, tomorrow is Corps, Friday PR, and those are the classes whose midterms I crashed and burned on, so I am feeling a bit of pressure for those. Plus I rarely paid much attention in class. I am so happy I never have to take those professors again.

So, wish me luck everyone!

there's been happenings-a-transpiring

2007-04-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

Well...it's been a while since I posted. I was afraid nobody was interested in my blog, but then I received a veritable plethora off comments from my friend Jenny (who is appreciative of shout-outs, so there's another one for you, sweetness), so I guess people actually do read this big piece of crap.

Last week some organization, club or something had a meeting at lunchtime. I didn't know or really care about what they were selling, but when I saw the pizza being delivered to the room, I decided in fact I was interested! I'm so sad...but really, free food is too good to pass up.

So off I go into the meeting, which it turns out was for this organization called Equal Justice Works. Can you guess what they do? Of course. It's an organization that encourages public service law (actually I'm not sure if it's law only, or public service in general).

Let me interject here that I really never had that idealism that so many law students have, or that we are told so many law students have. I never had that "I'm going to save the world!" mentality - and frankly, I don't know too many of my peers who do. Maybe they're too embarrassed or something. I think for me, my age has a lot to do with it.

Sorry - another interjection here, within the 1st interjection - I'm sitting in class, and my prof has to be the most technologically challenged man in the history of technologically challenged men. Nevertheless, he shows powerpoint slides every day. A few times over the semester he's had to call the computer person from the library to do something that was likely very simple but which h couldn't figure out.

So just now, he was in the middle of these slides - no one is paying any attention - and he stops, I look up and he's trying to fix something on the screen. He's asking for help, no one is answering, so I speak up and ask, "What are you trying to do?"

He says, "I'm trying to get this off the screen." There's nothing on the screen that we can see. He continues, "it says s-v-c-h-o-s-t-dot-e-x-e." Yeah, I can tell at this point that this computer novice is probably scared shitless at a window that says this. I look around, no one cares.

So, I run down and look at the screen. Sure enough, it's a dialog window that isn't showing up on the overhead projection, but is on his screen. I tell him, "Just click 'ok'."

"I can't," says he. Poor, poor man. He is confused at the difference between the touch screen and the regular screen. So I click ok on the touch-screen with my fingernail (as good as a stylus, I've found), and he proclaims, "GENIUS!" I hope I get extra credit.

Anyway...where the heck was I? Oh yeah. I'm not idealistic.

So I'm in this presentation, where they tell us that Equal Justice Works has a fellowship program, where you, the newly graduated lawyer, make a 2-year program in some area of public interest law. I didn't think much of it, until this weekend, when I realized, hey, maybe I am idealistic, at least in one specific area of interest - Intellectual Property! I may write a different post about some other transpirings that happened in that respect.

But, walking back from the store last night (between the 1st and 2nd periods of the Wings awesome series-clinching defeat of the disgustingly inept and dirty Flames) I had an idea: I could work for 2 years for the Electronic Frontier Foundation, a.k.a. EFF, and travel the country defending people from lawsuits for file sharing. The logistics of this proposal are, admittedly, ambitious (understatement). How do I argue before possibly every federal district court? Do every one pro hoc vice? Or actually get licensed before every court? Or get licensed before only each court in which there is a case? I don't know...

The other part of what I'd like to do is to speak at Universities in regards to organizations like the RIAA demanding that they give up their students information - IP addresses, stuff like that. Basically, I want to defend people - as part of a bigger organization, as part of a bigger plan by that organization. Also, it might be a great way to get my foot n the door at EFF, who are concerned with so many of the issues that I am.

Ok - super long post that has taken me a long time to write. More later.

Nothing Happened Last Week

2007-04-07T21:30:00.000-07:00

Well, what a week it has been. I'm not sure if I should break this up into multiple posts, as there are multiple subjects to be discussed here. I guess we'll see.

One week ago today, hot partner and I argued before members of the Supreme Court of three different states.* It was pretty fucking awesome. We lost, though. I prefer to think of it as "they won," 'cause they really did a fantastic job. The dude who did my issue was particularly fantastic - and I'm happy for him, even though I don't particularly like him. He comes into play a little later this week, too, but I digress.

Hot partner dropped the ball on one question. It was a question the answer to which we had discussed about a week and a half earlier - bottom line, she should've known the answer off the top of her head. I have about a a fraction of 1% of regret about this specific instance, though. She did her best, and she rules in so many other ways that it is an easily forgivable offense.

But it's all done now. Like I said, it was a kick-ass experience - I even got some nice personal comments from some of the justices (Supreme Court Justices! that rules). Hey, for those of you that know me, and hot partner, please don't let it be known that I wrote this stuff. I know there's 3 of you (at least, or at most; who knows which) who read this who go to school with me. I'd never get over it if she read this. But does this keep me from writing it? No. Probably because I've been drinking.

So, that happened. And then I remembered I had other classes I was supposed to be reading for. I was so happy that the competition was over, but now I realize I have so much to do to make up for how much I put into that damn thing. Get this though, too - hot partner is EIC of Law Review, so she's probably spending twice as much time as I am at school. Actually I know she is, 'cause she keeps sending me submitted articles to read, including a 113-page article on how the 14th Amendment has been too widely expanded all these years, and it all started with Justice Fields back in the day. 113 pages??? Are you freaking kidding me?! No, she wasn't. But, to her credit, hot partner/EIC up and read it herself till late Friday night. It's not like she couldn't be out there livin' it up.

(I just remembered I was supposed to write something for our school newspaper, and I forgot. The guy who goaded me into just logged into IM, and I hope he doesn't message me with a reminder. I guess I'll whip that out before we're back on Tuesday. Sorry 'bout that, dude.)

One of those classes I've been ignoring is one taught by a brash young new professor, whom most of us dislike on one level or another. I actually think he's a pretty good prof - arguably one of the smarter profs we have here - but I know a lot of people think he's not a good teacher. Anyway, during and after this much ballyhooed competition, most, if not all, of my professors, past and present, gave me some sort of "way to go" or "attaboy." I expected that - most of these profs are good, nice people. None are what I would consider a friend (unlike in undergrad); there is a sort of disconnect between a law student and his professor (there are exceptions, of course; see, e.g., law students house-sitting for sabbaticalling prof).

So, after so many profs had patted my back, I sort of expected the same from this prof. But no. Nothin'. Well, that's not entirely true - I think it was the day of the semifinals, we happened to be in the can together, and he said, "well, you're rolling along in (name of competition here)." I think I said, "yep." What do you sau to that? It wasn't a compliment, a congratulations, a giving-of-advice, it was a "look, the sky is blue." A statement of fact. Gee, you're too much, I'm blushing.

So, as a result of this, I've decided to boycott voluntarily speaking in his class. This is the kind of class where people generally don't talk, save for a few. This is generally due to many factors - the difficulty of the material, the oft-incomprehensibility of the questions. Well, I am no longer one of those few. It feels a little immature and childish to be doing this, but I always come back to thinking, "fuck him." It feels good to think that for some reason.

Oh, and my intramural softball team went 0-5 this season. It's a little unbelievable, frankly. We have some good athletes on our team, or at the very least we are comparable to every other team we played this year. For 4 of those losses we were up early, then pissed away the lead. Very frustrating. The final loss came to the team headed up by the guy mentioned above who co-won the competition, the less-than-likable one. There's another member of their team who is also highly disliked by some members of our team, and for very good reasons - I have thankfully stayed clear of that drama, and stayed friends with both him and those members of my pitiful team.

So, at the beginning of the season, we siad, "if we win only one game this season, it has to be this one." So what do we do? Get ten-runned, game over in 31 minutes. Fuck. I wanted to go back out drinking (the game was at 11pm - and yes, most of us had been out beforehand), but everyone was so depressed that we all just went home. Fucking ridiculous - or inane, if you will.

*I guess I'm still trying be anonymous here. Really, I just don't want some future employer to find this; also, I don't want the peers I shit-talk to find it either. Also, Harriet Myers shouldn't find it, 'cause that bitch can be scary when she gets mad.

A Study in Contrasts

2007-03-28T07:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I looked at my other midterm I took recently - just as bad as the other one. It's a little bit distressing that my grades thus far (this semester) have been so bad. I was just telling a friend of mine that I'm pretty used to resting on my laurels. Example: last semester I divided my studying efforts into two groups - my two challenging classes, and the other three. I ended up with B+'s in the two I studied diligently for, and B-'s in the other three, for which I really didn't put much of an effort in.

So, what do I do now? Study extra hard for those two classes that I have thus far bombed. Problem is, I am already dividing my classes like I did last semester. I was going to study hard for two classes and try to get by for the other three (or maybe three and two - I really need to study for Evidence). But now I have to throw all my efforts at ALL my classes! Damn it!

So, why am I not depressed (at my grades and the fact that I have to actually study for all my finals)? Because teammate and I made it to the final four in the oral appellate competition. Last night we went up in front of two professors and a local attorney. They were wearing actual robes for the first time in the competition - interesting. The questions they asked were sort of weird - they took me by surprise, which is clearly a mistake on my part. One question, or series of questions, was so unexpected that they said afterwards that I missed a softball, or even a couple of softballs.

After we argue, they ask everyone to leave while the judges deliberate. They do, then we come back in so the judges can critique the competitors, and at the end of these comments they announce a winner. So last night, imagine our surprise when the bailiff came back in the room and told us to leave again! We did, and fairly quickly realized that it was a tie. So, they re-deliberated for another 4 or 5 minutes then asked us in again, and announced that we had (unanimously) won. I'm not sure what turned it for us; our opponents were really good.

So. What's going on with you, dear readers?

"...girls groups and church."

2007-03-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

Sexism is bad. Misogyny is bad.

Our oral appellate competition, which I noted in the last post, continued on this week. We went Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and, good news, advanced to the round of eight. Go us! I have to say, my partner freaking rocks. I had to convince her to join me in this effort - towards the end of last semester, I put on my best persuasive face and convinced her to be my partner. I chose well.

Little did I know, however, what we would face on Tuesday, the second preliminary round. The 3-judge panel was pretty harsh. They asked difficult questions, and didn't let us get away with inadequate answers - and that's fine, they probably shouldn't. But they were also rather rude - kicking their feet back, and even passing notes during the presentation (and not a serious, "what do you think of this question" or "that was a good answer" type of note, either. It was a joke one judge told to the other - I'm not kidding).

Well, during our comments, the "chief justice", in the midst of complimenting my partner, said something that just made my jaw drop. After he said it, I even wrote "OMG" on my notes. It went, roughly, like this:

You were quite good. You had excellent poise; you didn't seem nervous. You probably learned that from speaking at girls' groups and church...

Huh? Did he just say what I think he said?

He went on:

You didn't roll your eyes or display some of the other mannerisms that some girls do. That was very good.

I guess this could be considered the quintessential backhanded compliment. I was floored, absolutely stunned. I was raised by my mother and my sister, so I'm usually on the lookout for, and can spot pretty easily, sexist comments. But I guess when one rolls over you with all the subtlety of an 18-wheeler, there is some level of awe which I'm really not over yet.

I asked my partner about it afterwards. She was rather nonplussed - "yeah, I get that sometimes. I'll get those kind of comments no matter how good or bad I do." Jesus. That guy makes me want to apologize on behalf of men everywhere.* But I'm not gonna.

Funny thing, too - yesterday at work my boss was railing on some lawyer for something - I think it was how bad a lawyer he was, to the extent of malpractice - and it wasn't until about 5 minutes into this conversation that I realized it was the same guy from Tuesday night. Small world.

* One of my favorite quotes from my favorite novel: "Rape makes all men feel guilty by association." The World According to Garp, John Irving. (I'm pretty sure that's it - I couldn't verify online, and don't have a hard copy anymore [I believe strongly in giving books away]).

Also, if I may, could Mr. Irving please write another book soon? The last couple have been rather disappointing. I'm not asking for another Garp, or Owen Meany, but something that'll take me away from IP and Crim Pro for a couple hours...

pwned...and not

2007-03-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I received a rude awakening of sorts in class yesterday. We got our PR midterms back, and I got a...wait for it...D+!!! I was sort of in a daze. I guess I'm over it now, though I'm still a bit disappointed.

I make no claims that I'm the smartest or the most hardworking, not even in the top ten percent, though I am confident in saying I am above average, and my grades, up until now, have backed up that assertion. I've gone into finals underprepared before, and I've always landed on my feet - a B- has been my worst grade so far at school, which (for those of you not attending school right now) is about average. I'm not obsessed with grades - when after my first year I realized I wasn't a top 10% guy, I stopped stressing so much about results - I just want to keep my scholarship and stay on Law Review, which, after 3 semesters, should be fairly easy to accomplish.

But damn! A D+??? It's almost hard to fathom. At first I was all fired up to go to the prof's office hours and bitch and moan, but when he said no grades would be changed, I sort of resigned myself to this abomination. Or aberration - yeah, that's it. My only solace lies in the fact that this is only 20% of my final grade, so I'll just have to nail the final, and all should be good.

Later yesterday, we had our first round of our oral appellate competition (I'm still holding on to some sense of anonymity here - for future google searches - so I won't call it by its name [and commenters, please follow suit]); we won! Going into it, I wasn't terribly motivated either way; I really just didn't want to make an ass of myself, which, frankly, I'm not entirely sure I accomplished. But I suppose you can't argue with results.

(For those who don't go to school here, and care to know how this works, there's 2 preliminary rounds that everyone has to do - 1st arguing the side you wrote you brief on [petitioner or respondent], then the other side. After both rounds, everyone's scores from both rounds are totaled, and the top 16 or so advance to the next rounds, wherein it's win and advance, lose and go home. On can actually "lose" both of one's preliminary rounds and still theoretically advance, though that would probably be difficult - though I know one team last year lost one round and ended up advancing to the semifinals.

There are teams our there that more or less try to lose - I don't really blame them; this is hard, nerve-wracking, and you have to dress up.)

It was tough. I was preparing what I wanted to say, I was hoping I would get a lot of questions, as my outline seemed a little thin - we get 15 minutes (individually), and though I never did a dry run for timing, I didn't expect it to take that long. But damn, I was barely a minute in when the questions started coming, and coming, and coming, until, in my head, I was saying, "for christ's sake, let me get to the point!" I barely got to speak to the crux of the issue (my issue, anyway). Good times!

Second preliminary round is tonight, so wish me luck! And best to those of my classmates who are participating (I actually think the two classmates who read this aren't participating, but I could be wrong).

Links to fun things

2007-03-15T22:17:00.000-07:00

I'm usually not one to make a post just of links to other stuff (I'm sure there's a word for blogs like that, but I don't know it); I wanted this to be an original content-rich type of thingie, but sometimes I just can't help myself.

My friend - um, let's call her Jeanne, 'cause I can't remember if she uses her real name or not - recently attended Lebowski Fest in lovely Seattle and looks to have had a great time. Her awesome, awesome blog recounts her wonderful times here, here, here and here (she met the Dude, dude. The Dude).

Also tonight, I perused many of the blogs that were nominated for the 2007 Bloggies - some of my already favorites were nominated, such as BoingBoing, PostSecret (which won for best blog, and has in the past as well - if you don't read this on a weekly basis you are truly missing out), Gizmodo and Say No to Crack. I was surprised that not a peep was heard of What Would Tyler Durden Do?, as it is the only kind of celebrity news I can stomach; I guess there are others out there, too (see here and here, if you want - I know the latter is a favorite of Ms. Savage Cats, former classmate and still friend via the magic of the internets - and by the way, I meant no disrespect by that whole 'blogs who post links' thing earlier. You do it really well. Better than anyone I've ever met.).

If there's any sports fans amongst my reader (who I imagine I can count on two hands - maybe), I would highly recommend The Brushback - an Onion-like site that will make you laugh. I wish I could be more eloquent here, but give me a break, ok? It's funny.

And finally, a word from the grand old man of American poetry, Walt Whitman:

Just as much for us that sobbing dirge of Nature,
Just as much whence we come that blare of the cloud-trumpets,
We, capricious, brought hither we know not whence, spread out
before you,
You up there walking or sitting,
Whoever you are, we too lie in drifts at your feet.

As I Ebb'd With the Ocean of Life, 1860

More Vesting Paper ideas

2007-03-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of something to do with searches and seizures (warrantless and otherwise) of e-mails, message board discussions and the like. What is the reasonable expectation of privacy online? I know there's about 3.4 million articles on this subject, so I need to narrow my focus - but that's why I'm posting this.

I'm also thinking about (as previously mentioned) electronic property rights. I recently learned the reason software is sold as a license and not just as its own product - when you sell a patented product, you lose the ability to control its resale. Interesting, no? Ok, no, but it is to me. Also, on this theme, Microsoft's new DRM for Vista is pretty nasty. What rights does a licensee keep to do with their software what they want? And what level of oversight is appropriate, or even legal (ooooo, unconscionability!), for a licensor to reserve?

Is there any overlap there? Privacy? Didn't Palko and those incorporation cases talk a lot about privacy? And then, as I recall, Roe sort of eschewed* the privacy rationale. Plus neither of those cases involved the 4th Amendment...but I bet I can make an interesting paper here.

Keep those thoughts coming.

*how is this word pronounced? I'd always pronounced the sch part as a hard sound, as if it were spelled "eskewed," but recently I heard it pronounced as soft, which sounded funny to me. And not ha-ha funny, either.

Need Some Ideas

2007-03-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

By January (ish) of next year I will have to turn in what's called a Vesting Paper for Law Review, and the nerd in me is already thinking about what to write. As I attend a less-than-stellar law school, and the city in which I hope to reside post-law school doesn't seem to give said law school any respect, I figured that being published may give me a leg up on some folks.

So, I'm looking for ideas. I know there's non-law students who read this (ok, I know of one [not you, Savage Cats, I still consider you a law student], but surely there must be another somewhere), but you can contribute as well. Are there any interesting issues out there?

I'm very much enjoying my IP class right now, and I have a lot of interest in Internet-related law, so I was thinking of writing something in that vein. Speaking of, this article was really interesting to me; it really exemplifies some of the concepts I find relevant and fascinating, and which I expect will be for a while.

So - help me brainstorm. I'll credit you in a footnote in my soon-to-be-famous diatribe on something or another.

Random Thoughts

2007-02-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

I really dislike some of my classes.

Corporations and Professional Responsibility especially, which are 8am and 10am respectively, and sandwiched between is Con Law I, to which I don't have to go, but I do because I'm the 1L's tutor (see more below). These classes are so boring, and the fact that they're so early in the morning (well, at least the 8am) makes 3 of my 7 mornings nearly unbearable. That's too many.
Professional Responsibility, in particular, should be a really interesting class. I was expecting to read cases about lawyers who get disbarred for snorting meth off of hookers' asses while lending money to one client that he stole from another. But, no such luck - this shit is dry as hell, in no small part to our ancient professor. This class is like taking a Sunday drive with your grandparents* - sitting in the backseat, powerless, listening to stories about that time when you saw a movie for a nickel - a nickel! - starring a young Gary Cooper. Ugh.

Tutoring...

I thought tutoring would be kind of fun. I like the Con Law I materials, I did well in the class, but I'm finding myself spending as much if not more time preparing for that than any of my other classes. This reinforces something I've long known about myself: I'm at my best when others are relying on me. I've noticed the inverse about myself as well - I lack a certain degree of ambition. Hell, I spent a good majority of my 20's getting high and reading books. Frankly, if I were independently wealthy, I'd probably continue that habit. But, as it doesn't lend itself to making rent money or bettering myself in any way, I decided to come to law school. Now if, in 20 years, I've made enough money to retire, or at least work less, and I go back to such habits, well...I don't know what that would indicate. Maybe I'm just naturally lazy.
But I digress. I feel such a sense of responsibility to these kids** that I find myself ignoring some of my other studies. Big deal? I don't know. So far, in my 3 semesters here, I've done this to one degree or another, and things have turned out ok, so I'm not too worried.

This blog

Why "Addled and Inane"? I don't know. I wanted to call it something else, which I thought was an incredibly great name, but so did someone else, who claimed it long before I did. I'd link to it, but I don't feel like it. So - addled (confused) and inane (ridiculous) pretty well sums up me, or my outlook on things, or my opinion about my friends, family and current events. More inane than addled, really, but you'll forgive that, I assume.

Thanks for reading, dear reader(s)!

*a practice that is probably not done anymore, nor was it by my grandparents, but I remember the odd Sunday growing up and seeing a car driving at about 10 mph while everyone around them cursed and screamed to get the fuck out of the way...
**I say kids, cause I'm older than all but 2 or 3 of them, not because I'm a year ahead of the in school.

Please be nice to the man with the hatchet

2007-02-20T15:20:00.000-08:00

The below post references what law students do not do during class - namely, what they should be doing, i.e., taking notes, actively listening, etc., etc.; the following is what we actually do (among other things). Names changed (but those who know me probably know the other guy).

[15:06] Law Student: I hope you are taking good notes for me
[15:06] Me: where the heck are you today??
[15:07] Law Student: down in the library
[15:07] Law Student: reading cases for my paper
[15:07] Me: ha
[15:07] Me: slacker
[15:07] Law Student: ya, did not get as much done this weekend as I had hoped
[15:08] Me: me neither
[15:08] Law Student: I did come every day but yesterday
[15:08] Law Student: but at least I finally spend my christmas money!
[15:08] Me: sweet, what'd you get?
[15:10] Law Student: ordered some stuff for my moto, like a new Street helmet with a full face (so my face won't get frostbitten as bad) bought handguard spoilers so my hands will have more wind protection.....oil filter....
[15:11] Law Student: replacement handles for my throwing tomahawk and double bladded throwing axe...you know the usual
[15:11] Me: the usual, eh? what do you 'usually' do with a frigging throwing axe???
[15:11] Law Student: I throw it
[15:12] Law Student: the tomahawk and the double bladded axe are both super fun to throw
[15:12] Law Student: the tomahawk is more practical for a camp hatched and such cuz it has a hammer and blade. the double bladded axe is just for throwing really.
[15:13] Law Student: I also have a special forces shovel that throws very well
[15:13] Me: jeez dude
[15:13] Me: don't ever go crazy, ok?
[15:13] Law Student: you can stick it in from 25' away
[15:14] Law Student: what ev, if I go crazy I won't be using those, I will use my assault weapons
[15:14] Me: ah, good - a quicker death
[15:14] Law Student: not necessarily
[15:14] Me: oh, crap.
[15:15] Law Student: one good wack with the hatchet will do it just as quick
[15:15] Law Student: gut shot from a rifle can take a while to kill a person
[15:15] Me: good point. I s'pose it's all about where you get injured
[15:15] Law Student: O:-)
[15:15] Me: or where you injure someone

God bless this guy - last year his computer would sleep and alternating pictures of his baby and his guns would scroll across his laptop screen. I meant it when I said 'don't go crazy.' If he ever does, I'm staying far, far away.

I'm Back.

2007-02-20T14:12:00.000-08:00

About a week and a half ago I deleted my old blog (Elemental Factors) and decided that blogs were stupid, that no one cared what I was writing, and that my blog-mates weren't contributing. Well, I haven't changed my mind about any of these propositions, except perhaps the first, which would change only to my blog was stupid. So I deleted it. Screw you, old blog!

And this is what I come up with, for my new blog? Nothing very creative, I know, especially in terms of the template. I spent a lot of time on the old blog messing with the template, the blogroll, all the crap that no one really cares about. Except I may keep the Quote of the Week, but that may be because I just finished watching season 2 of Deadwood, which may have the best quotes* of any show I've ever seen.

So why did I reinvent my blog? I'll tell you why. Because 3 days a week I have super-boring classes, and anyone who knows anything knows that law students will likely do anything other than take notes or listen to their professor. I read somewhere last week that someone sits in class and watches porn. Porn! (ah, here it is.) What the hell good is porn in class? Unless knowing others are watching you watch porn is what really gets you off (you sick fuck - wait, who am I to judge? I've done some weird stuff in my day, but hey, nothing like this).

Okay, so more later, if you're lucky (you sick fuck - you're thinking about porn right now, aren't you?)

*Missing from that page:
Tolliver: What'll you drink?
Wolcott: Kentucky bourbon, if you have it.
Tolliver: Johnny, pour him a bourbon; tell him it's from Kentucky.